Hello loves... Are any if you going through depression? If so I would like you to read this.... Its long but worth it and has a few autocorrect errors and what not but please read I remember the first time a boy told me he loved me, and meant it. Many guys have told me it over the years but it think back to this one time and Im able to defiantly confirm that this one time, those 3 words were different. It was the Summer before 7th grade, yeah I know, thats young, but true love has not age limit. You meet some one, and you have that connection and the number of years youve spent on this earth cant change that. You love your family right? Well that has no age, you know you love him the second you come out into the world, you cry, you want them, you never want to leave there side..... Thats kind of how loving a boy works, that strange feeling when they hold you close, its like snuggling up to your mother as a child, feeling so safe, like nothing in the world can change that steady breath, that sound of his heart beat, the way he caresses your hair gently. Love is a weird thing, Im not really sure how it comes about, it kind of just sneaks up on you, one second youre experimenting seeing hmm I wonder if this could be something and the next day a switch went of, and now youre totally screwed... Youre in love and thats a blessing as well as a curse. Love is so fragile, so bright, so beautiful, but ever so breakable. You often here people say theyve never forgotten there first love. I myself believe thats because nothing can ever be the same as your first love. It new and it wild but most of all its terrifying. I really think when you let that love slip from your hand is when you start to lack that optimism and hope your had as a child. Everything changes... Its as if the sun its self has lost its glow, breathing is harder then before and feeling nauseous is a common occurrence, when that love was alive and in your grip, everything was okay, life felt beautiful, your dreamed of a future and chose the names of the children you were going to have, waking up.... Was a gift. But when it dies, when it slips away so suddenly rising in the morning will never be the same. Some days I feel like I cant get comfortable laying there as I wake up, a piece of me has gone a way.... That innocence of being a child has just disappeared, I pick up that monkey that was his as a child and my first instinct is to burn it, but I can never bring my self to do so. The jewelry, the flowers, the note... All need to be destroyed as he did to my heart. But no, I cant do that. Its the last piece of him, the little stuffed dirty monkey that he trusted me with, that him as a baby held so close... It mustnt be destroyed, I can not be destroyed, I will not lose my last piece of the one I once called mine. Winter. It always seems things start turn cold as the wether does... December. Mistakes are made, a chain reaction is put in place. Stupid, that is what you would call it. I could feel him slipping away, I could feel his heart beat start to change, I knew our love was fading. Then came along January, more mistakes , more broken promises and what feels as a sort of death which love can often be associated with. I know his secrets, his smell, I can read him better then any other human being. Iv seen this beautiful boy with spring green eyes and adorable freckles in every form.. Crying, broken, happy, angry, sleepy, dressed up, bummy and even naked. The day things truly ended, it was raining, cold aNd dark. January 26th 2013. The day I lost hope, the day I filled the soil beneath me with salty tears, and the day thoughts of my future became unbearable. I no longer smiled for no reason, no longer did I feel those arms keeping me close. Dead. I felt dead. Nothing stays gold... We have to stay though. Beautiful things must expire... The world takes no pity on young hearts, its cruel and harsh. Crying and hurting is all I can remember... Considering death and feeling broken. But that was a while ago. January 26th 2013 was the day I was buried... Out 6 feet under left to rot... And over the months more and more dirt was poured over me In my grave, Im trapped, under the earth, in the dark... And worst of all alone.... But it okay. So thing happened to me.... I met two girls that year. Both beautiful and broken. And they saved me. I saved them.. I spent a while thinking to myself that he was all to live there was, that he was my guardian angel. But hell was I wrong... It was them, the girls who came along and dug me out, who taped my broken heart back to full. Yes my depression is still very much alive, and that will not go away. Yet iv learned to understand , destiny fate god or what ever the hell people think is real, can not decide I will be sad forever. It is my choice to smile and laugh, and surprisingly enough start my medication. No it will never erase my depression, it will always be just beneath the surface.. But it can be controlled. Take action. Thats all I can say. Because no matter how deep youve buried your self, you are never alone, reach your hand out a little and maybe youll find one to hold, yes I know it sounds scary... You can be close to some one again, but you cant be alone forever either. You, are a beautiful creation... And when you are sitting there bawling your eyes out, staring at your rest and glancing at your blade... When your family is bickering and arguing, if they hit you again, if your friends talk about you and push you aside, when you know in your heart that they dont love you anymore, or when you wanna eat something yet dread having to go to the bathroom to throw up, when you get frustrated and throw your make up that you feel will never make you pretty... When you feel dirty for what that person did to you and stole from you, when youre called a slut of a faggot, when the bullies just wont lay off... I just need you to remember... Sadness does not have to be forever and yes I know that right now you want to slap me and tell me I have no idea and maybe I dont.. But that doest change that some one will save you. I remember the first time a boy told me he loved me and meant it. And I remember the first day a friend told me they meant it. Who stayed? And whos still here....
Posted on: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 04:33:51 +0000
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