Hi, this is Dana Cox. I am sorry that I have not posted for a while. Life is complicated. I find myself struggling with what to say and how to say it. This is a strange dilemma for me, because I am never short on words…just ask my husband! The truth is, I have written pages and pages since Trevor died. I write about him (his life and his death.) I write about my grief, brutal and honest. I write about my beautiful daughters and my amazing husband. I have written about how each of us grieves so differently. I have written about signs we have received since Trevor died that have helped in our healing. I have written about words and how they hurt. People that would never mean to hurt me have said things that cut like a knife, but I have never corrected any of them or tried to tell them why their words hurt me so deeply, because I know they mean well. Although there are numerous books on grieving, let’s admit it, until it happens to you, a book about “grief” is not on the top of your reading list. I know some people that have even stated that, although they are grieving, they wouldn’t read a book about it because they know all they need to know. It sucks. There isn’t a nice way to put it. In fact, a very dear friend of mine said exactly that when Trevor died. “Dana, this just sucks. There aren’t any magic words and nothing that will make you feel better. I am here to tell you, this sucks, but I am here and I will hug you and cry with you.” For me, that was a great thing to say. Everyone has their own opinion. Some people might be put off by those words, but for me, that was easier to hear than “He’s in a better place” or “God has a plan.” Don’t get me wrong. I know where my son is. I have no doubt. Although I know that Heaven is sure to be amazing, I have a hard time believing that anywhere, other than with his parents and sisters, is a better place to be. I also know that God has a plan, but I had plans, too. Trevor had plans, both short and long term. Some of Trevor’s friends had plans that included him. What about all of our plans? Don’t they count for something? I think we need a whole new vocabulary for grief and those that are grieving. Some things that are said seem silly, when I really think about it. For example, saying I “lost” my son, doesn’t really make sense. I didn’t lose him. If he were alive, he would be with me, but he died. He is still with me, spiritually, each day. Trevor isn’t lost. Several people told me, “at least you have other children”. I am very thankful for all of my kids every single day of my life. None of them can be replaced by any other person or thing on this Earth. I recently posted a quote on my personal page that said, “Before you tell a grieving parent to be grateful for the children they have, think about which one of yours you could live without.” That pretty much says it all. I had a person (a “professional” person, none the less) tell me I could be thankful that I only had one child die. (She knew a mother that had two kids die in a car accident.) That is terrible, of course, but burying one child is excruciating. Trying to make me feel better by reminding me that it could be worse, didn’t help…at all. Again, I am certain that person was trying to help. Comforting someone who is grieving is tough, especially if you have not suffered a significant loss. I am unsure what to say to people, too, because everyone is different. I am just sharing my point of view, my own opinion. I think that sometimes, saying nothing is best. Let someone know that you are thinking of them or praying for them and that you are there if they need you. Most importantly, mean that. If you say you are going to be there for them, be there. Be the friend, sister, cousin, whatever your relationship is, BE that same person to them as they struggle with grief days, months, and years after the death of a loved one. Do you have something to share? Have you heard words that hurt you or were not helpful while struggling with the death of a loved one? Do you have suggestions of things that people said that helped you? I do believe that people want to help. They want to make those of us struggling feel better. Let’s be honest, there may not be words that will help. Knowing people are there to love us through the struggle is the greatest gift we can ask for. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings with this topic. I want to educate. We can all learn from each other. Topics related to death and grieving aren’t the easiest to share, but maybe if we all were more open to talk about our experiences, more people (myself included) would become more educated on the topic and know what to say (or WHAT NOT TO SAY) the next time we are able to help a friend.
Posted on: Tue, 04 Mar 2014 01:46:55 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015