How domestic violence affects children development BAYO OLUPOHUNDA ‘My daddy is a very wicked man; he beats and kicks my mummy every day. I wish he would just die!” These were the shocking words of a seven-year-old girl in my class a few years ago while I was teaching in a high-brow private school in Lagos where I experienced the impact of domestic violence on children. Having observed how the once cheerful and intelligent girl had suddenly become withdrawn from her classmates while her grades plummeted, I had invited her for a chat. What she told me about her parents’ tempestuous marriage was revealing of how parental disputes can impact on a child’s social and academic lives. As a class teacher, I had the rare privilege of observing how my students’ family backgrounds impact on their behaviour and academic achievement in school. Children are often the first casualty of a dysfunctional and violent home. While women are mostly at the centre of gender-based violence, a few of the cases affect men too. One of my male students once told me: “My mother insults my father all the time. My father has moved to another house”. Apart from physical violence, verbal abuse is often used by both parents. The teaching profession goes beyond just impacting knowledge. Many times, I found myself counselling and building the self-esteem of my students whose psyche has been badly damaged by conflicts in the home. Most times, in the course of my job, I also find myself advising parents who have allowed their irreconcilable differences and violent relationships affect their children’s life. Children are impressionable. Tolani Azeez (not real name) was one of such children whose innocence was shattered by the belligerence of her parents. When I inherited her from the previous class, she was a vivacious girl who was always willing to learn. But then something snapped in her. She suddenly lost interest in school and her studies. A once dutiful and punctual girl soon became a perpetual late comer. Her academic performance also dropped for most of the term. One day, after all the other children had gone for sports (which she now deliberately avoids) she waited behind to confide in me: “My daddy is a monster. Last night, he came home drunk and beat my mum for no reason. He pushed her on the staircase. My mummy is in the hospital”. I later confirmed that she had been telling the truth. Her father had been a serial wife abuser. Akintobi Azeez (not real name) was another of such a child who was exposed to domestic violence. I also gradually saw how the promising boy had succumbed to the effects of violence he daily witnessed. He slept most of the time. He never turned in assignments. His parents showed up at different times in school and gave conflicting feedback of the child’s progress at home. He was the typical example of a boy from a dysfunctional home. “My mummy and my daddy fight all the time. They argue over small matters. My mummy poured hot water on my daddy last night,” he reported to me. He had started exhibiting violent tendencies. He bullied other students in the playground. Once, he pushed a boy who landed on a concrete and broke his wrist. Children from homes where domestic violence is prevalent also have the tendency to be violent. Since they have been exposed to violence, they find it hard to learn the laws and values of social interaction through amicable settlement of disputes with their peers. The effect of parents’ disputes on children could be much worse. One girl was so traumatised that she wanted to kill herself. She had suicide attempts even at that young age. I have also seen extreme cases of domestic violence where the parents involved even bring their belligerence to the school. During parents’ private meetings with teachers, the atmosphere was characteristically tense. Such parents argued openly and shifted blame. A father once stormed out during one of such meetings with me, leaving the child embarrassed and confused. Another man warned of the consequences of allowing his estranged wife pick the children from school. Later, at the car park, he lost control and slapped the woman. Children of such homes are often torn between two worlds where they would have to prematurely be required to live with. Domestic violence is known to tear families apart, but the effects on children’s emotional and academic development are much worse. According to a report by the United Nations Children’s Fund titled, “Behind Closed Doors, the Impact of Domestic Violence on Children”, hundreds of millions of children are exposed to domestic violence at home worldwide. According to the report, domestic violence has a powerful and profound impact on their lives and hopes for the future. According to UNICEF, “these children not only watch one parent violently assaulting another, they often hear the distressing sounds of violence, or may be aware of it from many telltale signs. Children need a safe and secure home, free of violence, and parents that love and protect them. They need to have a sense of routine and stability, so that when things go wrong in the outside world, home is a place of comfort, help and support.” But for many children, the report continues, “home is far from a safe haven”. The report further reveals that gender-based violence is not limited by geography, ethnicity or status; it is a global phenomenon. The findings show that children who are exposed to violence in the home may suffer a range of severe and lasting effects and are more likely to be victims of child abuse. Those who are not direct victims have some of the same behavioural and psychological problems as children who are themselves physically abused. Children who are exposed to violence in the home may have difficulty learning and limited social skills, exhibit violent, risky or delinquent behaviour, or suffer from depression or severe anxiety. Children in the earliest years of their life are particularly vulnerable. Studies show that domestic violence is more prevalent in homes with younger children than those with older children. Domestic violence is a global problem of enormous proportions. The statistics provided by UNICEF are also grim. According to UNICEF, as many as 275 million children worldwide are exposed to violence in the home. A child development expert, Mrs. Ronke Omotunde, once said the problem is prevalent in Nigeria though official statistics are rare. “In my school, I have had to counsel many children who have been at the receiving end of domestic violence in their homes.’’ As the world marks the 2014 International Day to End Violence against Women including domestic violence from November 25 to December 10, children must hear it re-affirmed that domestic violence is wrong. They have to see alternative role models in order to grow up with a positive idea of the future. Young people must be taught to avoid violence in personal relationships. Schools are key in the strategy. School-based programmes can reduce aggression and violence by helping children to develop positive attitudes and values, and a broader range of skills to avoid violent behaviours. More importantly, parents must promote a home where conflicts are resolved through dialogue and love. These are essential to the growth and well-being of the child and for building a better society.
Posted on: Thu, 04 Dec 2014 12:08:41 +0000
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