I am desperately trying to stay awake until we leave for Florida at 2 a.m. so I can sleep in the car. This means a lot of thinking. Which means I should write. And I have no idea where Im going with this... Mom and the aunts took me to Main Street St. Charles a few weeks ago. We enjoyed a nice lunch and then went to a cute store with clothes of my style. I forget the name of it. Id never been there before, so I believe it was relatively new. They had a lot of adorable peasant tops. I love peasant tops. Will loved when I wore peasant tops. Mom saw one catch my eye, and yet I quickly moved on from it. Let me get that for you, she insisted. No, I insisted. This went back and forth a few times. Finally, I surrendered and agreed to try it on. I had a tank top on so I just decided to slip it on over that without going into a dressing room. And then came the water works. I stared at myself in the mirror before me in this pretty top. Will was always obliging to shop with me, and he loved making me feel special when Id find clothes that I liked. It is rare for me to buy clothes at all, but when I did, it was always him that I would think about. I bet hed like this, Id say to myself. I couldnt wait to show it to him, and he never failed at making me feel beautiful and special in just a silly piece of clothing. Youre pretty, hed say, in this child-like voice hed use when complimenting me in new clothing. Then hed look me square in the eyes, a smile would come to his face, and hed lean in for a kiss. I love you, hed say with deep sincerity and in a way that he made it sound like he was so blessed and in awe of me. Over something as simple as clothing. This is how he made me feel, all the time. Mom didnt buy the top. After my breakdown in the middle of this tiny store, she understood. I had to walk out to the street and catch my breath, dry me eyes, carry on with the day. Sometimes a simple outing, something as meaningless as just trying on a top, can bring on a flood of emotions, memories, and heartache. A lot of you saw Will perhaps at his worst moments. Most of you saw him at his very best- Marine, coach, teacher. Next to being devoted to Christ, I believe the thing that he was best at, far beyond the aforementioned three, was being a husband. I never felt inadequate. I never felt ugly. I never felt like I wasnt enough for him. He never let his love for me wain. I only saw it grow in different ways, year after year. He opened my car door for me, EVERY single time. Hed scoop me up in his arms and carry me to bed if I fell asleep on the couch because he couldnt stand to be in our bed without me. He wouldnt allow a phone call to end without saying I love you. He insisted I never wear make-up, even though I didnt listen. He said I was most beautiful in the morning when I woke up without it, groggy-eyed, hair doing who knows what. I dont agree with his opinion on that, but he sure felt that way. He spent every single available second researching homes and properties out West and budgeting our finances closely so we could one day have that. Because it was my dream. And as he always told me, my dreams were HIS dreams. Because all he wanted was for me to have all the happiness he could possibly give. I hope he knows my biggest dream to come true was marrying him. Nothing else in my life will measure up to that. I love you, baby. Next time Ill find the courage to buy that top because I know you are standing behind me, even though I cannot see your reflection in the mirror. Youre whispering, Youre pretty. I love you.
Posted on: Sat, 05 Jul 2014 05:06:33 +0000
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