I cried a lot today. But everything seemed backwards. Over lunch, our song played on the radio. I cranked it up and sang at the top of my lungs. When the band would pause between verses, Id sneak in an I love you or an I miss you. I saw snapshots of us in happier times as the song went on and I thought how this song used to be all about us. God blessed the broken road... But then the road stopped. Its gone. But in my next breath, a thought came to me: It just took another turn. Its broken again. But God is still leading me to you. Youll be there to complete my path again. I will carry on this journey for us until then. I didnt cry though. Not then, at least. I cried at the end of the day out of nowhere and realized, I guess this needed to come out. Over something so insignificant but obviously, its not about this. Its about Josh. When I drove home, I turned up, Dont Stop by Fleetwood Mac, trying to rev up the positivity again before I picked up the kids. Today, I am just going through some lows, but I will be on the upswing again. Not every second feels like this. Tomorrow can be better. Tomorrow might be better. Then I zone in on a particular part: All I want is to see you smile. (Its Josh, highlighting that line in my head.) If it takes just a little while (He knows it takes time, but it gets better.) I know you dont believe that its true I never meant any harm to you. (He didnt know when he was here that us falling in love would lead us to here: him leaving so abruptly, destroying me and so many others in a million different ways. He didnt mean to hurt us, he hates us in pain.) All of those thoughts flooded my head, like he was there, putting them in my mind. I burst into tears again. Just WHY? I am still asking myself that. Over and over. But I am trying to look to tomorrow. Peace, love, understanding, patience, acceptance. I love you more, babe. Come visit me, please. m.youtube/watch?v=a8arvEzHsA8
Posted on: Wed, 05 Nov 2014 01:16:07 +0000
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