I got through Wednesday and yesterday quite well. But today is another matter. Wednesday was the 25th anniversary of the beginning of my involvement with the Cooksey-Nissenbaum murders. I saw the perpetrator leaving the Cooksey residence in Haydns new red and white Cadillac, and he saw me. Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of my reporting of what I had seen to the sheriff. While there I realized they had no better information than what I was giving them. Today is the 25th anniversary of the beginning of the ordeal when I realized there was nothing between me (and vicariously my family) and the man I saw leaving the scene of the crime. In time, a fear grew prompted by a correct belief that he was stalking me. Over the next 9 or 10 months my efforts to walk out of the valley of the shadow of death were fraught with many set backs. But at a still unremembered point on the way through, I came to a great awakening by applying prayer and meditation. I did the thing that Jesus said to do: I prayed for my enemy. I prayed for him every thing I wanted for myself: freedom from fear and an experience of God that would exceed his imagination. I prayed this simple prayer 21 times in a row every time fear entered my consciousness, initially out loud, then silently; finally, as fear approached, I relaxed into a meditative state filled with that desire for the murderer. I also did as I am doing now listening to the message of Brahms Requiem that says what we do and how we do it matters. At the beginning it was the music that brought me solace. Then as I worked my way through the German text, the message the music had implanted began to take root and blossom, along with my prayer for the perpetrator. Then began a multitude of epiphanies, not the least of which was that Gods spirit was witnessing to my spirit that I was a child of God … as was the perpetrator (Romans 8 & Luke 7: 41-44). This was the great awakening that led to the answer to my prayer, but not how I expected. My fear was removed and I had an experience of God that exceeded my imagination. Such was that experience of love that when the perpetrator came to my work place he thought I didnt recognize him. But I did. He expected me to be afraid, but I wasnt afraid because of the love God had placed in my heart for us both. 1 John records that perfect love drives out fear. So I am led to believe that the love that was present with me that day was not a love I could generate. I am convinced it was only something I could have received that protected me in that moment. Assimilating this experience has been difficult. It took me 24 years to say out loud that for 9 months I had lived under the daily threat of annihilation. And it has taken me 25 years to write and share what I have written today. At the heart of this is receiving and extending forgiveness, which is especially hard when it involves deliberate and intentional violence. After the events of March 24, 1998 that shook our community to its foundations, I began my English edition of the Requiem to share it with our community on the anniversary of that event convinced it would help us all. We performed four of the seven movements on the 10th anniversary of my ordeal, which fell on the first anniversary for them. These years later, I am not sure that my efforts helped them. But I still hope that my work on this music and my experience of God will benefit others who have suffered great loss. I still seek fulfillment of the vision God gave me, of a community where love is palpable across all lines of human judgment. It is our judgments that divide us and in so doing we do violence to ourselves and others. Let us seek peace. The performers on the CD have just finished singing: Selig sind die Toten die in dem Herren sterben von nun an. Ja, der Geist spricht, daß sie ruhen von ihrer Arbeit; denn ihre Werke folgen ihnen nach. - Rev. 14:13 Blessed are the departed who die in the Lords hand from now on. Yes, the Spirit speaks, they shall rest from their hardship, for their faithful efforts follow after them. What we do and how we do it matters. More will be revealed. Grace and peace, Kelly
Posted on: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 18:54:49 +0000
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