I have been going through a massive crisis of late. For most of my life I have fought tooth and nail to acquire something of some significance that unbeknownst to me incidentally reduced in value as the years passed by. Over the last six months though, as 2014 came into play I decided to take things higher up to a level that was unnecessary, but unavoidable in a certain sense, the way a balloon pops when filled past its maximum capacity, to acquire what Id been struggling to break free of for 10 years give or take. Now you may be thinking, 10 years? How can a child even begin to comprehend what he or she needs or wants in life at such a tender age? In my opinion, our young minds are fresh and susceptible to new concepts and ideas. A thought or even a trait can take root so deeply and firmly that you begin to grow around that one simple fragment of what will become your developed mind in the future. It can become a pulsing, erratic ideal that expands like a tumour in the depths of your mind until you dont even realize when or how that ideal came into being. An ideal that goes on to form the very core of your personality. A scary but very true thought, if ever there was one. So yes, it has been quite a few years since I have been struggling with internal dilemmas that center around that one thing. It is of little significance, however, what that thing is. What is of most significance are the methods I adopted to go about acquiring it and the ultimate result. A messy, foolish and altogether radical journey that seemed to allow my very soul the liberty to take large strides in the opposite direction of common sense, morals, love and respect for those closest to me, self preservation and above all self worth. I am not writing this seemingly pointless monologue to justify any of my actions. I am writing this monologue because writing is what I do best. It has been a long, long... long time since I have put pen to paper in moments of internal dilemma. I had actually thought I had forgotten the art of stringing words together to form coherent and marginally amusing or interesting ropes of phrases. Turns out, old and raging habits such as these die hard, and I am somewhat glad of it, for I am writing this for one sole purpose: and that is to organise my own thoughts in my own head. To organise and distinguish the colossal mass of regret and desperation that has constantly been clouding my mind of late. You may think I have begun to lose my mind as you read this. But oh well. This excerpt cannot be any worse than the version of myself that I have become over the last six months. This version of myself... Where do I even begin to dissect the mess and utter headcase that is this being. She is spontaneously stupid. She is incorrigible. She is a white hot, fiery pulse that burns upon contact. She is foolish. She is the definition of hopeless love. She is untamed... If nothing else, she is contradiction in its purest form. As words, these phrases might touch your heart, but as a real and beating heart of a specific individual, these phrases are destruction. I have always been the kind of person that got along well with people, with everyone and anyone. It is probably one of the things that I am best at: networking. Ive never liked conflict, problems. If ever faced with a clash, Id rather apologise and be done with it rather than drag it out or have a big blow out where things get heated and even more messy than before. It may be the cowards way out, but then again.. we all have our faults. I guess this is one of mine. Another one of my problems is that I tend to care too much, about people and their issues. I involve myself - always a dangerous game to play; and until the moment I was myself I was able to keep my heart fairly protected, cautious as I grew older to the woes of humans and the genuinity of people around me. This new version of me though, lets call her Sahar 2.0, gives shit all about the carefully constructed wall around my heart. In the space of six months, the amount of people I have been introduced and gotten close to has been colossal to say the least, and the amount of times Ive had my heart stomped on has been endless, and I dont mean just in the love department. You see, men and woman dont want a 2.0. A 2.0 is for fun and to have a hearty laugh and a good time with, but no one wants to connect to a 2.0. No one will give a second thought to a 2.0 in moments of crisis or need or even to just unwind with. A 2.0 is just for in the moment - and Sahar 2.0 was a version of that. You reading this are probably thinking Ive turned myself into a whore or something along those lines. Wouldnt that be something for gossip with your morning coffee? Sorry to disappoint, but this whole dilemma goes much deeper than that. No pun intended. I have well and truly lost myself. My mind has slowly and surely become untethered... bobbing along meaninglessly with no aim or goal, completely cut off from its roots and the one ideal that had kept it alive for so long. For I had finally reached that ideal. I had acquired the one thing that I had been craving my whole life, and like any irony of life, it was my ultimate undoing. Somewhere along the way of the formidable path I had chosen to finally acquire that thing, I had lost my soul. Lost it completely and utterly, and not in the way that they show you in films and books, but in a completely altered way. A way that was causing me to find myself unable to stand up and pull myself out of the deep well I had fallen through. Unable, even though I knew how. Even though the rope and hook was right there, within my reach. Along this journey, amongst the in-numerous people that I have met, I have gotten close to many, hurt many more, lost even more than that, and to all those people (you know who you are) I am ardently sorry. Some of you I havent met more than a handful of times, but nevertheless Im pretty sure that in one or even more of those occurrences I might have acted out of turn or done something Im sure Im not proud of. I have thought many times, over the last six months that I would take a stand, and change my ways and become the Sahar of old. Many of you have been present during these heartfelt vows, and nearly all of you have seen me fail at them time and time again; each time worse than the last. This monologue is being written for one more reason. A simple one really. Many of you have heard rumours - rumours that I am not obligated to give any explanations to, whether truth or lies, things I have done that I do not have to justify to anyone but myself. This monologue is an admittance on my part, and a testimony to myself, that I will make a change, try harder and give the people I adore the respect and time they deserve. You all are merely my witness to this. As a closing statement, apologies if I have shocked those who were clueless and a kiss on the cheek to those who were and are prior witnesses to this ridiculous journey that I was on. If nothing else you have just had an entertaining couple of minutes of reading the raging rant of a lost soul. You know the saying Be careful what you wish for. We all really should pay more heed to these cliched statements that are usually used more for amusing chatter rather than heartfelt conversation.
Posted on: Sun, 07 Sep 2014 18:39:29 +0000
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