I have found myself at a point I have a looming question I can not answer yet and no one can give me the answer or even help with the question. Is it time to just be who i am, the one that works for some company that uses me to create, fix problems and write great things as others instruct or is it my time to reach deep and attempt to think, create, write, and in effect expand my own horizons. Fear of the un known wants to take control, an underlying fear of ridicule also creates slight painful twinges. Something deep is telling me...Your time is now.. I do not know why I suddenly feel like it is time especially ,at this point in my life, or even if I can do what some part of me wants to attempt. Just existing has kept my forward motion all this time. I am content with existing, it controls the chaos. Thinking about pushing my own boundaries of fear and allowing my vulnerability of my thoughts to be on showcase, my creations of my mind to be turned inside out, it scares me but at the same time I also know this may be the next road, though it could be smooth or it could be yet another long bumpy hard but necessary road and that it may be the only way to keep forward motion. This is similar when I decided to start my quest to get my bachelors degree. I questioned my ability to finish, I was terrified I would embarrass myself by making bad grades( after all I didnt do so well in high school) but I decided not to use my head that had steered me in bad directions (oh so many times before). I pulled out the well hidden piece of me that was much too rarely used before, courage. I jumped in with both feet and went for it. During this time I had 3 teen girls I was the primary care giver to, a job, and a household I had to keep running. My husband was a hard worker but his job kept him working 55-60 hours a week he helped as much as he could but couldnt help much except made sure we were provided for and had moral support when needed. The three girls father did not assist with any child support at all and failing my kids was never an option, so I couldnt slow down at work, the wheels of a household never slows, and yet I still never gave up on school. I kept moving forward, life kept throwing more and harder obstacles and still the childrens father would not contribute or even come to pick them up. Me and tommy still made sure they lived as their peers did as well as we could manage, but still i stayed in school and pushed just a little harder to keep forward motion. Most of you know I made it through.. against all odds, obtained my Bachelors Degree Magna Cum Laude in Journalism and Mass Communications with a Minor in Marketing and Public Relations. Now it is time for me to begin a second leap of courage and develop my legacy, what piece of me will I leave behind. I am developing a plan that i hope will make the world and especially those close to me proud to know I existed. I rode a hard road, at times unfair and way harder than one should have to endure. That ride taught me everything I know, the pain from it made me know how to feel, and the pure exhaustion proves I deserve to be there because I worked hard to get there. Now after all the lessons I have been taught, the wars I have fought, the tears I have cried, it is not for myself that the next hard ride I must travel looms to prove beauty left behind after someones gone but is only beautiful or compelling because they lived a life of honor ,maybe not honor in the normal sense because no person has ever lived a life of perfect honor, the honor I speak of is the honir if seeing, living and syrvuving the ugliest of circumstances and can still find courage to find the path, the faith to start the path and keep the love inside that carries them through to the end and in return develops a power beyond words to see them through to the next journey and beyond so their story will live well beynd their own time... I am now ready to start building my beautiful legacy whatever it may be because me,my husband and especially my kids deserve to see what gifts I have to give to the world and what mark I have to leave beyond my time. I wont quit my job but just as I did as I was completing school I will build it brick by brick and every finished project will be completed with a remembrance of the discomforts, the pain, but most strongly the love that made it possible. And that my friends is what matters.. The road that you take makes you, the coindition of the road teaches you, the finish line just begin the next great chapter
Posted on: Mon, 10 Nov 2014 04:56:04 +0000
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