I have had a lesson given to me by the universe today. It was subtle, but very important. Its my lesson, but Ill share a little of what I have been contemplating on. I have felt very inspired this day, moreso than I have in some time. That lessons came from thinking and feeling and also realizing that I have not felt much in some time, and I think I know why, and maybe Im not the only one. An inescapable fact of life is that folks wander through each others lives and then sometimes drift away. For me, going back to my younger years, the real connections I forged with certain folks very much defined who I was and am, and the love Ive shared defined my happiness and passion in my world. That goes for romantic partners, but also just friends as well. In a big way, I have always resented the universe for, in its nature, provoking such bonds and then through mistakes or happenstance, removing them again. In many instances, it was my own insecurities or difficulties or mistakes that provoked those partings, and my lack of trust - not in another person but in the universe for this pattern of emotional creation and destruction. Now, I know its all necessary, but I guess a childish part of me always resented it, and I never quite lost my idealistic fantasies of soul mates. I guess in a way, I am starting to come to terms with these things. Despite my demeanor, I guess I have never really been alright with looking back and realizing that for a chunk of your existence, someone had been there, a lover, friend, teacher, etc., and then suddenly, through your fault or fates, they were just gone. You moved on. I am slowly coming to terms with that internal part of myself. I had already come to terms and found the value in lifes patterns, but I think in a big way, I have become a big hermit, resentful of intimacy, and in the end prevented more chances for love and connection from forming. I get that now. Thats my self esteem issue; not so much in the eyes of other humans, but with my place in the universe, as a being who can truly share love. Like a child, something in me still asked, Why is this everything one moment, and nothing the next?, and thats not an accurate way of looking at it. My brain knows this, my spirit knows this, but my heart has had a lot of time catching up. I realize that inherent resentment inside, that fearful aversion, has pushed some folks away, or never let them in. It has prevented me from SHOWING how much some folks mean to me, how much I love them and always will - because somewhere down the line, I felt guilty for feeling like I always would love you, in some form and true fashion, because I guess I felt like it was a lie, or a weakness. Well, screw it. I accept that part of myself. I accept that its both a false and childish dream and an utter truth, and that contradiction is just fine. Its who I am. I am not an insensitive being, and I have dealt with personal fear. I was a very insecure child, except when alone - and in some ways, that spread to my heart. This lessons I guess is about admitting that, and trying my best and growing. This status me not make sense or even matter to you, so I guess its about me, and if it does matter, I guess I am saying, its alright to be a contradiction, and sometimes it takes a long, long time to figure out all your gears and bruises and workings. I may not be able to get back some of those connections, I might have ruined them, or another may have ruined them, or they may not be there to foster again - but if youre reading this, and it might apply.... just know that even if I couldnt say it or express it, chances are you are a huge part of my life, past present and future... and Im really grateful to you for sharing some of your life with me.
Posted on: Tue, 07 Oct 2014 02:52:35 +0000
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