I have struggled and struggled with how to respond to the many individuals that gave up their Friday night to honor my son Aj and support family members, his many friends, and me; many of us still struggling with the fact of his death, the finality of it all, and how to manage our grief. As a Mom the last thing I could do for my son was to plan his funeral and try to make sure it met all the needs I had as a grieving Mom, but more importantly was to make sure that everyone remembered or really got to know who Aj really was as a person at a deeper level. I like to believe that the service did that in a positive way. Everyone was able to remember how much Aj cared about his friends and even strangers well-being. How he felt your pain without you ever mentioning what you were going through and wanting to make it better. How Aj recognized he was human with faults and many demons that he had fought in his short life. Nevertheless, more than anything, he forgave others and although it was hard, he forgave himself. The song I chose to play “Better Than I Used to Be,” by Tim McGraw was the song Aj would turn up loud on the car radio and say, “Mom, this song describes me as he sang a long.” The chorus summed him up well to those who knew him best… “I ain’t no angel I still got a few more dances with the devil I’m cleanin up my act, little by little I’m getting there I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get But I’m better than I used to be.” Something he strongly believed was resounded in the lyrics well… “I’m learning who you’ve been, ain’t who you’ve got to be!” He believed that you could overcome any mistake as long as you could admit you made the mistake forgive yourself, apologize to those impacted, and keep the lesson learned close to your heart. As the viewing portion of Aj’s service was going on his casket filled with a large amount of ICP (Insane Clown Posse) memorabilia hatchet man necklace, handkerchief, homemade hatchet man, and many other reminders I was waiting for some diet Faygo (but that came at a tribute to Aj after his service). Aj had the hatchet man tattooed on his calf and loved ICP. The basic premise behind ICP is a warning about what will happen if we neglect those who are different and a reflection on the messed up world we live in. Furthermore, it warns us of what will happen if we neglect our basic morals, in the end of your life you will go to Shangri-La or Hell’s Pit depending on your past actions in life. Ironically, Aj lived and honored these beliefs founded in ICP’s culture. He never judge anyone and felt everyone should be treated the same and he was haunted by the evil in the world like homelessness and hunger to name a few. Aj and I strongly believed that there needed to be a holiday that was called, “Kindness,” and you had to be kind and giving to everyone and punishment for failure to comply would be imprisonment for some period. Why? Because we have forgotten to care and even be nice to people we say we love and if we do not do something about this soon it will be too late. The difference between ICP and Christianity in the shared goal of caring for others, recognizing the evil in the world, and honoring our own morals is not much different. So, as I say “Goodbye,” to my son on earth I look forward to seeing him in heaven latter. I thank him for all the “lost boys” he brought to me that call me Mom, the blessing of 21 years of Aj in my life my “child of light and happiness”, and I am so proud of the young man he became with the huge heart and overcoming so many demons and the Guardian Angel he will become. Aj will never be forgotten but remembered for his heart, his faith in his friends, his loyalty, his desire to help others, just wanting to hang out, and his crazy red hair. Thank you for all of you that chose to share my son’s life with me, may the pain heal from our loss but may he never be forgotten and bring you strength during your times of struggle. Love, LaDonna (Mom) (And I ask for your prayers and patience as I struggle to learn to live life without Aj in my life everyday.)
Posted on: Thu, 13 Nov 2014 21:00:06 +0000
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