I lost a lot of sleep after hearing the news of the suicide on campus last night. I have bipolar and anxiety issues and as of recently have been very depressed. Id be lying if I said I havent experienced a lot of suicidal ideation over the course of my life, let alone in this past semester. Its unnerving and in my current calm and rational mindset I know that theres nothing hurting myself over. But when Im caught up in the moment and dont have any means of relief, I start going in mental circles telling myself ad nauseam that the only way of stopping all the pressure is through suicide. I really hate those thoughts, especially because I enjoy the hell out of life. But it gets frustrating when essentially every problem you struggle with is something you created for yourself. Thats why I think about moving out of town fairly frequently. Too many triggers for bad memories in Austin and so much guilt surrounding them because I usually feel like Im to blame. Wiping my memory is something else Ive thought about seriously because I have a photographic memory that likes to haunt me and keep me from moving on with my life. Of course once I start feeling better, these thoughts immediately dissipate. This is why I like talking to people and trying to be open about myself. Theres a lot of superficiality in the United States and it can sometimes get in the way of honest communication. For a good portion of my life I opted to just take the stoic route and put up with all the bullshit without externalizing anything. But that was problematic because I could only go so long without snapping. In all honesty, over the last four years of my life I have seriously considered killing myself on the UT campus. Which of course is an absurd thing to think of as a productive solution to all the anxiety and pressure I accumulate from school and other endeavors. So talking with people is really cathartic to me. That being said, crisis hotlines and therapists are a valuable resource, offered free through the University of Texas. However I can tell you from first hand experience that when you have to start from the beginning its painful and frustrating. Talking with friends and family, people you know and who you know care about you, for me at least, is a lot more helpful because theyve known you and they tend to understand what youre going through to an extent. Its hard to open up sometimes and it seems like theres a certain stigma with talking about depression and suicidal ideation, at least from what Ive observed. That stigma has often discouraged me and Im sure a lot of people from talking to people they know to try and seek help. A handful of people have stopped talking to me or responding to me after Ive been struggling and discussed the flurry of drastic thoughts in my head. But I dont harbor any negativity towards them because I completely understand how futile it can seem when you cant calm a person down with any sentiment. I know for certain, looking back on certain conversations, that Ive been almost childish in my stubbornness when Im caught up in the moment. To any of you reading this, I sincerely am sorry about that. It wasnt my intention to bother you or take your words for granted. If theres anything I can do to make it up to you, please let me know ASAP and I will get right on it. And I cant tell you how much I appreciate the friends who continue to put up with my bullshit from time to time. It makes me feel sane and I really do understand that its a huge privilege to have so many friends that I feel comfortable talking frankly to. I love you guys. Anyways, I am hereby extending myself as resource to anyone who wants to talk about anything on their mind, really. There is absolutely nothing that is worth ending your life over but I can tell you first-hand that I understand how that can seem like the only option at times. If youre ever experiencing any sort of serious suicidal ideation please dont hesitate for one moment to contact me. Stay positive and good luck on all your finals! :)
Posted on: Mon, 05 May 2014 16:37:23 +0000
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