I often sit here thinking, watching of what goes around me everyday. The feeling of jealousy most often times. We all have our problems and heartache. I will never take that from anyone but honestly April 20th 2013 changed my life dramatically. Its not only in the heartache I feel everyday but the way I look at everything. I mean think about it every morning I wake up to the realization that my baby boy, my first born is no longer here. Every single day. For many, u have the fortunate glory (I do mean glory...u may not think so but u are very lucky) to wake up and think...ughhh Ive gotta get up and go to work, Ive gotta pay that bill, or simply mom....I want breakfast. Something so so simple. I would give anything to have just one second of peace. I dont write this to make u feel bad for me, like I said we all have our heartaches. Its just so crazy how life can change in an instant. Yes, Aydan has been sick for many years. I truly with every ounce of my soul believed he was going to beat this. Maybe after first transplant to be honest things were a little dark but my Aydan never ever complained about the life he had. Never!!! He actually told me on many occasions that he loved his life. How lucky am I as a mother to hear that. To hear that then come into Facebook and have to read the negative comments about kids is like a knife in the heart. I say to myself Mel stop it, we all get frustrated. We all want to lock ourselves up in a room for five minutes if peace. Yes, we do....but to complain. Thats what life is about, our kids. I dont know what I would do if I was never a mother. I love it. I really do. Im not joking when I say I love to fold their little clothes, my favorite memory was telling Aydan....thats it, u cant go outside after school till u clean this mess of a room. He would complain....as soon as I sent him off I would come and clean, rearrange his stuff. Get him off the bus and he would be like dragging his backpack thinking of ughhh I gotta clean my room. He would come in and open his door and u could see the excitement and appreciation on his face! Nothing more rewarding then a you r the best. Taking care of my kids is the best feeling. I still live going and decorating Aydans resting place. I guess my whole rant is just about my comment this morning. Feeling like Im stuck in Groundhog Day. There is no escaping, it doesnt go away, it hasnt gotton easier. Its mikaela!!! My love for her, giving her the best life I can. It doesnt matter how I feel. I want to be the best mom I can. I want to see her smile. I want to hear her say u r the best. So when u wake up tomorrow, or think god....will they ever stop screaming. Think how empty your heart and home would be without it.
Posted on: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 16:17:00 +0000
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