I think everyone who has been following my Facebook updates has gathered that I am a very strong believer in free partner choice at the milonga. Unless money has actually changed hands and the dances have been bought and paid for, I dont think anyone is ever under any obligation to dance with me, nor I with them. However, I have the luxury of living in Buenos Aires, where we have many beginner lessons and prácticas (though even in Baires there is a shortage of real prácticas, at which everyone swaps partners and learns from each other -- as opposed to those informal events which are milongas in all but name), as well as many more beginner-friendly milongas. We also have a very strong ethos here of separating dancing from friendship and from financial obligations. We dont often use tandas as a currency of barter (dance a tanda with me and in return Ill be your friend/take lessons from you/say nice things about you/let you come to my place for lunch). However, I do understand that not everyone is in that position. Setting aside the issue of teachers, who are under special pressures, how should you behave if you live in a smaller community, where rejections are very visible and feelings are easily hurt? In such a community, you probably *cant* dance with only two or three people, even if they are the only ones you enjoy dancing with, unless you want people to spit in your plastic glass of wine and make sure youre not invited to the Thanksgiving potluck. Small communities require some compromises. But, even there, I cant stomach the idea of having to dance with everyone who asks. Obligation in tango is a concept that everything in me rebels against. (You can blame my big-city Buenos Aires prejudices, but, often, when people described a tango community as friendly, my heart sank, because friendly was so often code for you have to dance with everyone -- the organiser makes all the women feel welcome also often translated as the organiser will make you dance with him, like it or not and he has a left arm of iron -- and when I was told a place was snobby, I often suspected I would enjoy it, because snobby was code for there are some good dancers there and they dont feel obliged to dance with anyone they dont want to). This is not because I am a bad person, but because of the way I grew up, as a dancer, here. Once youve got used to freedom of choice and to mutually desired dances, once youve learned to see tango as pleasure, not duty, as bliss, not discomfort, its hard to give up those rights. So what do I suggest if you are an in-demand dancer in a small community, if you are one of those who some people resent just because you dance like a fancypants, one of those who is very keenly watched to see who you do and dont dance with, the one the visiting teachers are most eager to dance with (to the envy and resentment of others), the one who knows that this is Gobbi, actually, not Pugliese? First of all, try as hard as you can to get people in your community to use mirada/cabeceo because it is a great way to ensure that invitations are mutual and to protect people -- in most, though not all, communities, to protect women in particular -- from suffering through unwanted tandas because they are victims of their own timidity or politeness. And, in addition, I would say this: dont have open office hours. Give any beginners in your community a tanda, dance with some of the older people and others who have more difficulty finding dances, sure. I think that is a good idea, in fact, unavoidable in a smaller community -- and you will feel much better about yourself if you do. (Though I will fiercely defend peoples right NOT to do this if they really dont want to). But choose how much you can give and when. Perhaps you are tired today and your back is hurting and its really not the best time to be manhandled by Trevor the Tank Engine; perhaps you really really really love these Canaros with Maida and dont want to go on a forced march through them on the pulse, with no pauses. Cut yourself and others some slack. Its natural to be protective of your own body sometimes, perhaps especially as a woman. Let people know, in your words and behaviour, that you will dance with them sometimes, but not *every* milonga or not *every* tanda. Freely, but not on demand. That you can be much more generous when you are not being forced. By setting this precedent, you will make life a lot easier for others in a similar predicament, particularly some of the women in your community. Make it clear that your local teachers will be available to dance with anyone who asks, at the práctica (if there is no práctica, start one!) but shouldnt be hounded or persecuted at the milonga, but allowed some freedom to pick their partners. Invite people to your community who can give talks about the music. Ask more experienced DJs from elsewhere to put together playlists and structure your milonga in tandas, partly so that that moment of saying thanks, but that was enough is divested of any awkwardness. And dont dance with anyone who teaches you on the dance floor, refuses to loosen their embrace at your request, marches over with hand outstretched and demands you dance with them in a way which you find rude or aggressive or who accuses you of being a snob or tries to emotionally blackmail you into a tanda. Be kind and help your local community to grow, by all means. But dont become a victim. Or else you may come to hate your local community, which has become a source of pain, not pleasure. And youll quickly stop going to the milongas. If thats you -- beware of tango compassion burnout. Ive met plenty of people whove abandoned their local communities for that reason. And that would be a shame for both you *and* them. Abrazos!
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 01:57:39 +0000
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