Im dying. This is as simple as I can put it. There is no epiphany or soul searching answer to anything im saying. Im just dying and all alone. Simple. There is no one around my bedside. My wife is probably half way through my life insurance already even though im still breathing. My kids and I have not spoken for years. To put it simply, I am dying without love. Everyone else in my family has passed with love. Why am I cursed to a death of loneliness? Are we all just alone when were staring in the eyes of death? Or do we cause ourselves to be alone in life and it follows us through death? The pain is horrible. My insides feel as though theyre on fire. Morphine. It only helps for a little bit before my pain comes back with a vengeance. Why cant I die peacefully? No pain. No wishing for death to come faster than it already will. My father passed peacefully in his sleep. So did my mother and sister. Is this a punishment? Is God making me pay for all the sins ive committed in my life? I deserve it. Im not even going to try and lie to you. I deserve everything that happens to in this life and the afterlife. I wish I couldve been more like my father. He was strong, hard-working, and loved. I am none of those things. I am weak, lazy, and hated. I always depended on my father to take care of things. I never expected to be in charge of the house. I would spend my days lying around, doing nothing productive. I didnt have a job because I decided early on that my dad could take care of the family. He worked a full time job and still had time to fix things around the house. What was the problem with me not working? Now that I think about it, was he ashamed to have such a disgraceful son? Wait, is this the flash of life before death? I can see everything... My birth, why am I able to remember this now? I could never remember it before. I dont want to see this, but I am forced to. I see my mother smiling down at me. Her face was beautiful, then I see her sleeping. Her once black hair is now fully white. This is her death... Yes, I remember. I was sitting with my sister and all of our cousins. Her chest heaves a last sigh and she passes to the other world. No... I cant see this now... Not now... Not ever again. I now begin to see myself growing up. Then my sister being born. I loved her. She was my best friend. We had the same mind and she could always tell what I was thinking. Then I see her dying in her sleep. Her hand that once held mine falls limp and her spirit leaves her body; forever. No! I want to go back! Am I going crazy?! I am then rushed back to a time when I was even less of nothing. My mother calls my sister and I into the living room to talk. My father has cancer, I say, Okay, almost as if there is nothing wrong. I see myself walk back to my room and my fathers eyes swell with tears. What are you doing?! Go back and hug him you terrible waste of a son! My father turns to the direction of where im watching this all happen; almost as if he can hear me. My sister is hugging my mother and him while I am in my room, talking to a girl. I shouldve been the one who was cursed to die young. Not him. I never did anything to help anyone in my life, but all he did was make everyones life better. Next, I am watching my father go through treatments, chemotherapy and radiation treatments. He wants to live so bad, but why? So he wont leave us alone? Or is it because he knows ill never be ready to be the man of the house? I dont blame him. My mother calls my sister and I from the hospital. My father went into a coma and the doctors dont think hell make it. I do my best to hide my emotions from my family. Next, I see myself sitting next to my father as he falls deeper and deeper into a dream. Why am I still trying to hide my emotions? Its just the two of us in that room. A man never cries. A man never shows emotion. A man is always strong when others are weak. That is a true man. However, even though I never did any of those things, why do I still feel like a boy trying to be a man? The beeping on his machine is getting slower, each beep is getting softer and softer. Everyone begins to trickle into the room slowly. I take my fathers hand and soon the machine beeps for a long time. No longer is it intermittent. Everyone around me is crying, and I cant help myself. I begin to cry as well. As I am watching everything happen, I see my father rise out of his body and he smiles at everyone. Then he looks directly at me and smiles softly. Can he see me? Or is he just happy to go to Heaven? For what seems like an eternity, we stare at each other. Is this happening now? Or did it happen then? Before long, a man in a long white gown walks through a beam of light that is cascading from the window. He is handsome and he is blessed with beautiful features that suit him, blonde hair and green eyes. He touches my fathers shoulder; a signal that it is time to go to Heaven. My father turns away from everyone and sprouts very large angel wings; perfectly white and full. He has become an angel, like the stories I used to read in the bible, he has become one of Gods favorite children. He flaps his giant wings and flies away into the sky with the man. He soon disappears from my view and I am rushed back into my hospital room. I wake up and look around the empty room. Its dark, cold and brutal. This is my reality. This is what I have to look forward to; Hell. I wont see my family in Heaven. Ill stay what I made myself be; alone. I try to sit up, but my body is too heavy and full of pain. I begin to cry. I cry until tears stop coming. Why am I alone? Why did I decide to live in solitude? I want to go back! Please! All of a sudden, I hear a voice. A voice telling me to sit up, but I cant... The voice repeats itself and I obey. I sit up slowly and I am amazed that I can sit up under my own power. The voice appears again and tells me to stand up... I believe the voice more powerfully than before and I stand up slowly. For the first time in years, I am standing up. I begin to weep. I wipe my eyes and I see a light in front of me. I look up and see my mother; she is covered in a warm orange glow. She smiles at me and I smile back. Its been so long, I feel as though my face is going to crack. She holds her hand out and I take it slowly. A warm feeling covers me as I see my life flash before my eyes. I realize now, that I was never alone. I was just waiting. I was waiting until I could die to see my family again. I ask her if I am going to Heaven and she nods. Heaven... I wonder what it will be like... She tells me that it is time to see my father again. I feel my feet leave the cold floor and I begin to fly towards the sky. I grab my mothers hand and she grips my hand tightly. We fly past the sun and into the clouds. Before long, I see the golden gates... The gates that allow us into Heaven. It is here that I see my Father and sister standing side by side with their beautiful angel wings, and it is here, that I become an angel.
Posted on: Mon, 10 Mar 2014 08:49:33 +0000
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