::...Into my Gethsemane:: “What if the very home you go to for encouragement becomes a difficult place? What if the workplace that you have to spend most of your day becomes a difficult place? What if the church you resort to for peace becomes a difficult place for you?” As I settled down in the last minus one pew, the pastor began his sermon. I complained within myself, how can someone occupy last pew that too overcrowded, with no room for one more, as though the sermon hall is packed? A sigh, I do not know why, if it is the feeling that someone deprived me of the rightful place that belongs to late comers or if it is because of the uncomfortable start of the sermon. I tried to count the minutes I have to be there still. “What if God that you trust becomes a difficult One to be around and you want to run away from?” Well, this did not come from the pastor, I said to myself as I picked up the monthly schedule wondering how to spend another hour. Sure, it is few weeks now, I did not attend the church. This evening, I was ‘driven out’, I could not know by who or what but, I guess, to come here. I did not feel good as I drove. I disclaimed saying to myself that I have no expectations in going there. “There is the One, who is your refuge. You can look unto Him and He will not disappoint you.” No, it is not from me, pastor said this. I knew that he was going to say something like this. Yes, after all when the place where we praise God and listen to the nice sermons becomes a difficult place, what else but God that anyone can think of? Another sigh, I had no other expression left, I am beyond this last resort too. I crossed it! Couple of weeks ago I said, “God, don’t you speak to me again till I figure it out by myself! When you speak you give hope; that hope is now making me uncomfortable. I am wary of any hopeful words, not because I like to be hopeless but because that hope is making me to expect and seek and I am tired of expecting and seeking. That hope is built on no visible thing; I am wary of looking out and see nothing of that sort that I wanted coming my way. That hope is mocked by people; I am in no mood to take it anymore. So, speak not to me, give no hope to me…I am tired of it. I do not know how things have worked out. I realized that God stopped speaking to me after that. Or possible that I stopped listening to Him! Result is same, nevertheless. I felt relieved as I have no hope. Here am I, this evening. I do not know who or what led me, I am here at a place that I found many reasons to avoid in recent days. Pastor continued, “I want to tell you today about Place, Prayer, and Passion (I guess so the third one, don’t remember). Jesus was in the center of Gethsemane, praying. Three Disciples were in the garden too, close to Jesus but not praying and instead sleeping. Others including Judas were outside the garden, in the world.” Passion message during the lent period, pretty apt! My head started aching, unable to sit straight due to tiredness. Today I deserved last pew, but I am not in a position to consider even once about what others may think of me. I bowed down my head as though I am to meditate the sermon being delivered. As my head got some support, my thoughts wandered around multiple incidents. What is it that God wants to teach me? Yes, I did say at one time (actually multiple times and indeed so many times that I can’t count) that I am OK to take or do anything that is going to keep me right and confident before my conscience and Him. I was willing to take the tough lessons that I otherwise can only read about as stories. But, does that mean God should bring me to this state?! I said, “It’s enough, I am good with this, and I learnt quite a bit now. Would you please give it a hard stop or at least a pause?” Nope, that prayer did not seem to work. I had no option but to withdraw. I gently requested the Almighty not to speak to me so that I can see it all by myself and decide the course of action. If He decides to stop teaching me a lesson, I am more than willing to come back. Fair enough, isn’t it? May be… … “I want to close my sermon by saying this”. Why is the pastor trying to conclude right after the start of the sermon?! Uh, not sure but let me see if I can get this thing!! I sat straight. “Jesus finished his prayer and looked at the three disciples sleeping and he was sorrowful, he had compassion on them. When it is time to pray, they slept. But Jesus had compassion on them. How about Judas, he was in the world and he did not take a second thought and betrayed Jesus. The three disciples sleeping in the garden were close to Jesus but not too far away from the world.” I looked at my broken and rugged phone, how I love to keep broken things in life with a belief that broken things are meant to be mended and not to be thrown. If they can’t be mended, they can still be used, we just need to know how to use the broken things. All the while I heard that God only uses broken things, but what about me? May be there are exceptions; or possible that I am not broken yet to that unrecoverable degree! Oh goodness…! I can’t believe that it is already 45 minutes from the time sermon began! It is not what I had thought; there was indeed a full length message in between. I don’t normally sleep like this during the service. What happened to me today? “Any one of them could have been like Judas. Examine yourself where you are. Are you sitting close to Jesus but not really having thought of what it means to be with him?” With an uneasy feeling, I looked to the side. I am right next to the exit door and far away from the pulpit. I admire at the devotion of those who find their way to the front pews no matter they have room in the back benches, but I can never near to! Someone behind whispered to me asking for the monthly program schedule. I attentively and promptly did that. What must the people that were sitting behind me have been thinking? Do they know that I had been in deep sleep? Or would they have considered me the most attentive of the laity? Looked at the order of service, Good that I woke up now, sure I am embarrassed within but acted cool as I joined singing for the offerings!! I sat there that evening in quietness for some more time after the benediction, listening to those lyrics that I paid no attention to. Reluctantly got up and looked around. Thank God, they all left!! How is it that the message was so strange? Am I becoming Judas when I said to Almighty not to speak to me as I am wary of the very hope because following the path that hope leads us to tread on is difficult? I have no answer for any questions this evening; after all I had no expectation of anything. It is an uneventful day as I wanted it to be, though it turned out to be strange. I walked towards my car parked under a tree away from, then messaged to check if a friend of mine came too to BCH that I may wish. Yea, I better not to feel that I am here for no reason. I waited some time and it seems apparent to me that I am destined to feel empty this evening in every way and I am OK with that, having no expectation keeps us carefree. But, the end part of the sermon is still ringing in my ears. Does it sound like a warning for me that I can be Judas too or am I already? Or is this a message of comfort of God’s compassion even when we want to keep away from Him and sleep unaware? I am in no positive mood, and not now. No matter what I care or care not but myself, I better take care that I am not turning to be Judas in the pursuit of being self-sufficient! As I hit that well known road that night, I longed for home, a home where there is no struggle, no want, no desire, no betrayal, and no need of hope anymore; it is a place where there would be absolute peace and joy… As I pressed hard the gas pedal, my heart longed for my Gethsemane...
Posted on: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 19:31:30 +0000
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