Kalyn Machuta has given me the courage to be honest about myself and my life so here goes. In the past four years I have been through divorce, I have filed bankruptcy due to it, I have foreclosed on a nice home, I went multiple weeks without seeing my kids which killed me, and I was scarred mentally. I was in a very bad place. I started drinking and still do to help make the pain go away but it was always there waiting on me the next morning. There were multiple nights that I honestly didnt care if I saw the next day. If it werent for my kids I wouldnt have. I was not in a solid place mentally. I lost a lot of weight which led to more female attention. I made many mistakes when it came to that. I hurt a lot of women and I regret every bit of it. I always said it was a problem them but it was usually something in my hwad that made me run. I have been in absolute misery over guilt of mistakes and hurting others for a long long time now, years in fact. I have had some amazing friends and some not so good friends. I have ran off a lot of the good friends due to me thinking its them and not me. All in all it was me. I hate that I ever hurt anyone. My parents raised me better. I found Jesus a little over a year ago. I started off strong, nose in the bible and reading every single day. I slowly got away from it due to stress and work, and in all reality that was when i needed it most. I am trying every single day to get back to who I was five years ago, smiling and just enjoying being a father. Now I question myself everyday. Am I being the best father I can? Am I doing everything I can to help others? Am I being the best person I can be? Is life going to just finally crash down on me and put me down for good? Yet I still put a smile on my face and make people think I am ok when really I am angry. Angry at myself for the past four years. All I can do now is mend friendships I have had, lean on God, and be a role model for my boys. I am not saying any of this for pitty and honestly i dont care what others think of me. I have brought most of it on myself. I am getting everything off my chest to maybe make myself feel just a little bit better. That is all.
Posted on: Fri, 27 Sep 2013 00:08:06 +0000
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