Let’s get this War on Christmas started! WHEREAS, the Kringle Dominion has set up an extensive manufacturing and distribution facility in international waters beyond the reach of any sovereign state; and WHEREAS, the Kringle Dominion has knowingly and wantonly waged a sustained campaign of psychological warfare upon the children of the world, threatening to burden them with raw fossil fuel if they do not behave according to specific parameters; and WHEREAS, parents, having been so scarred by aforementioned campaign have become willing accomplices to the extent that they will perpetuate the Kringle Doctrine upon their own children; and WHEREAS, said parents who do successfully indoctrinate their children will get no reward from the Kringle Dominion for it, instead needing to furnish presents to their children out of their own pocket; and WHEREAS, the Kringle Dominion backs up its behavior demands by the threat of unwanted visitation in the dead of night to any home it wishes regardless of security measures; and WHEREAS, the Kringle Dominion reinforces its threats by a display of capabilities every year by visiting every single home on the planet in a single evening; and WHEREAS, the Kringle Dominion possesses an unprecedented ability to manufacture any kind of materiel it desires, and has provided no assurances to the international community that it does not intend to weaponize said capabilities; and WHEREAS, the Kringle Dominion employs slave labor of a disenfranchised community of Elves with no representation in the international community and whose involuntary employment appears to benefit from not being a human rights violation because the victims themselves are not actually human; WHEREAS, such acts render it both necessary and appropriate that the United States exercise its rights to self-defense and to protect United States citizens both at home and abroad; and WHEREAS, in light of the threat to other holidays such as Thanksgiving, which has been forced to incorporate Kris Kringle into its own celebratory parade; and WHEREAS, such acts continue to pose an unusual and extraordinary threat to the peace of mind of any living person throughout the months of November and December and to the finances of any parents who dream of sending their children to college one day; and WHEREAS the President has authority under the Constitution to take action to deter and prevent acts of international terrorism against the United States: Not, therefore, be it RESOLVED by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, that the President is authorized to use all necessary and appropriate force against those he determines are complicit in the ongoing terrorist attacks that have occurred every December 25 in living memory, or harbored such organizations or persons, in order to prevent any future acts of terrorism, including: * Retailers who encourage people to shop on Thanksgiving * Retailers who put out Christmas decorations as early as Halloween * Radio stations that reject their format to play Christmas music for an entire month straight * Dairy farmers and bakers who knowingly increase production of milk and cookies to accede to Kringle’s endless demands for food * Television programmers who run holiday specials, even the really terrible ones, without end through the month of December * And any other sympathizers or allies to the Kringle cause. You are either with us, or you are with the terrorists.
Posted on: Tue, 03 Dec 2013 16:19:48 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015