Lizard Birth Email. Another gem from Alan Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me> there was something wrong with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in> his room.Hes just lying there looking sick, he told me. Im serious,> Dad. Can you help?> I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his> bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking> stressed. I immediately knew what to do.> Honey, I called, come look at> the lizard!> Oh, my gosh! my wife exclaimed. Shes having babies. What? my son> demanded. But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom! I was equally outraged.> Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didnt want them to reproduce,> I said accusingly to my wife.> Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage? she inquired.> (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)> No, but you were supposed to get two boys!> Yeah, Bert and Ernie! my son agreed.> Well, its just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know, she informed> me. (Again with the sarcasm!)> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I> shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.> Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. Were about> to witness the miracle of birth.> Oh, gross! they shrieked.> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny> foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.> We dont appear to be making much progress, I noted. Its breech, my> wife whispered, horrified.> Do something, Dad! my son urged.> Okay, okay. Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next> appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times> with the same results.> Should I call 911? my eldest daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could> talk us through the trauma. (You see a pattern here with the females in my> house?)> Lets get Ernie to the vet, I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son> holding the cage in his lap.> Breathe, Ernie, breathe, he urged.> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little> animal through a magnifying glass.> What do you think, Doc, a C-section? I suggested scientifically.> Oh, very interesting, he murmured. Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to> you privately for a moment? I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.> Is Ernie going to be okay? my wife asked.> Oh, perfectly, the vet assured us. This lizard is not in labor. In fact,> that isnt EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young> male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most males of the> species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his> back. He blushed, glancing at my wife.> We were silent, absorbing this.> So, Ernies just, just . . . excited, my wife offered.> Exactly, the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then> my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh> loudly.> Tears were now running down her face. Its just ... that ...Im picturing> you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . She gasped for more air> to bellow in laughter once more.> Thats enough, I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the> lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be> okay.> I know Ernies really thankful for what you did, Dad, he told me.> Oh, you have NO idea, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.> Two lizards: $140.> One cage: $50.> Trip to the vet: $30.> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizards winkie:> Priceless!> Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.> Lizards lay eggs!
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 10:16:10 +0000
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