MY LONG JOURNEY BACK TO DUBUQUE; CONFESSIONS OF A CATHOLIC BOY Growing up white, male and Catholic in Dubuque, Iowa is easy. In Dubuque its more than common to be Catholic, as a child I felt safe, comfortable and proudly wore my religion on my sleeve. I felt like I was part of something beautiful and I felt loved and accepted. But there was one problem looming on the horizon for me that would destroy those feelings of love and acceptance. I was born gay. From the minute I was conceived it was written in my genes and it was an undeniable truth I would grapple with until my early twenties. It didnt need to be a struggle but my religion had taught me it was a sin and I would go to hell so I hid it for many many years. I knew I was different than any of the other boys, as far as I knew, and as early as the third grade I remember crying myself to sleep feeling so lonely and scared. As I grew older that fear and loneliness turned into confusion. How could this be such a bad thing when we were taught that God does not make mistakes and that he loves us no matter what? Why should I be afraid when Jesus taught us that all men are divine and that above all else we need to love each other? The confusion turned into anger as I moved through my teens and still felt rejected by a religion I had embraced and now made me feel so wrong. I gave my heart fully to the Catholic Church, believed in it without question, how dare it question the way I was born and my natural order? Worst of all this institution not only rejected me, it abandoned me in my darkest hours. I felt more alone than ever and often suicidal. Not because of who I was but because of how Catholicism made me feel. I had nowhere to turn and that made me angry. For years I was driven by this anger. I left Dubuque with a desire to succeed regardless of the rejection I felt by my church. I commend my parents for that. They held tight to their religious beliefs but held strongly to their love for their son. The best Catholics possible they embraced their religion, worked feverishly to help their church and immersed themselves in the word of God but never projected judgement or shame on me as I came out. They always believed and loved me and not despite my coming out but actually even more because of it. To them I was a son to be proud of, one that dared to be who he was, who God made him. Once I accepted myself in the same way they watched as I made my way through the world always with passion and determination. They watched as I found success as an actor, director, writer and producer and eventually as a husband and father. All along I had their support but I still felt the sting of my chosen religion judging me and condemning me to hell. I traveled the world doing what I loved and built a family with the man I love but all of these wonderful things were rooted in something ugly. The anger I ran away from Dubuque with. I channeled it and instead of folding from the rejection of something I loved so much I let it push me forward as if determined to say you did not defeat me, you did not destroy me, you did not define me. But then I realized it did define me. Not the hypocritical leaders and congregants who judged and rejected me but Christianity itself. Jesus never taught to marginalize those who were different from you but to seek them out and welcome them in. He never believed in hate but in love. The hypocrites would argue they do not hate. They would argue to love the sinner, hate the sin but in this case that just doesnt work because in this case the sin is being who I am, it defines who I am. So in this case their hating the sin IS hating me, but now instead of hating back I choose to love. Its not easy but it is what Jesus would do. See about eight years ago something incredible happened. I began work on a project that would change my life and help me to put that anger aside. I began directing and producing a play called Corpus Christi that tells the Jesus story but through the eyes of a gay man growing up in 1950s Texas. I related to the struggle he felt but would never consider myself like Jesus. But then again, why not? Arent we all like Jesus, going through our own struggles to find out who we are and hopefully finding a way to help others and love everyone? Wouldnt Jesus encourage the idea that we are all equal and we are all as holy as he is? Corpus Christi helped me reclaim my religion and see that it was ok to be gay and still be a Christian because the religion did not belong to those misguided leaders or congregants who would use the bible as a weapon, it belonged to all of us. It belonged to me. And to me being a good Christian meant to open your heart to those who are most unlike you and love them as strongly as your dearest friends and family. I struggle with that every day but I do try. That realization inspired me to film a documentary about my experience with Corpus Christi as we travelled the world and I witnessed audiences and the cast going through the same transformation of spirit. This play was changing how they felt about religion, themselves and each other. It was teaching them what Jesus would have taught them if he were here today, that loving each other is the most important lesson of all. This was not always easy. Touring with this play and now this film lead to death threats on me and my cast and even my family. Even my mother back here in Dubuque has had to deal with the hate and bigotry due to her sons involvement with this play and film. I have returned to Dubuque twice with these projects and each time the Archdiocese of Dubuque rejected me just as they did when I was a child and even issued an order to the clergy to have nothing to do with the production or me. Clergy that I know wanted to support us but was forced to stand aside. Instead of letting this reignite my anger I have chosen to embrace them and love them. I can honestly tell you I no longer have bitterness in my heart but am filled with a hope that they will start to see the true message of Jesus and open their hearts to all kinds of love. So that brings me back full circle. Next Monday night, October 13th, I will be back in Dubuque screening my film for free in celebration of its release on DVD and Video on Demand. The archdiocese still refuses to stand in solidarity with our similar missions toward love and equality, unable to get past their own prejudgments. Regardless, I return to my hometown with a project I fully believe in, with a lifestyle I did not choose but am proud to embrace and with a heart filled with love. That love was taught to me by my parents, by my church and by my long journey back to Dubuque.
Posted on: Thu, 09 Oct 2014 01:37:56 +0000