Marriage for Muslim SISTERS. First of all, I’m more of a traditional type of girl (as in i believe it is more a womans responsibility stay home and raise kids than it is a mans and that it is more a mans responsibility to provide financially for his family than it is a womans) & i do realise that many girls don’t think like that so much anymore, so its completely understandable if you do not agree with/relate to these points… In saying that, i believe this topic is an important one to discuss and knowing whether you agree or disagree with the following points is equally important. There are two realities a girl needs to apprehend before she accepts to speak to someone for marital purposes. The first is that she needs to completely be true to herself i.e. entirely understand her own capabilities and limitations. And secondly, she needs to remember that once she is married, her obligations are to first please Allah (swt) and then her husband. She must never do something that displeases Allah (swt) for the sake of her husband and she should always do what pleases her husband for the sake of Allah (swt) first. Being true to yourself, understanding your capabilities and limitations means to consider the following: 1. Reflect on both your positive and negative personality traits. You need to understand what type of person you are to figure out what type of person suits you best. 2. Know your short term and long term career goals. Many of us are studying atm so we need to ask ourselves how important our future jobs are to us and how much other aspects of our lives we are willing to sacrifice for it. I hear too many girls talk about how ambitious and passionate they are about jobs that are far too demanding to be able to balance with running a successful, islam orientated household that they also want… we need to put everything on a timeline and honestly ponder it. We all know how important it is to seek knowledge in Islam and with most jobs (and the right intention) our work can be a form of Ibaadah. But we need to make sure that our jobs in practice (not our studies) don’t make us compromise our Deen… many jobs have a specific dress code, think about things like what you will have to wear and what demographic of people will you mostly be working with? etc. We ask for a practicing religious husband but then many of us are left arguing with him if he doesn’t want us to (for example) travel without a mahram, even if it is for work. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by spending years of your life studying only to realise that you won’t be able to work in your field whilst fulfilling your other responsibilities. If you are more of a family orientated person, will your future job be too demanding? Will it accommodate part time hours? are you willing to stay home for a few years after studying to raise kids? Can you work from home? What if your husband is running his own business and needs your help, will you be willing to leave your job to assist him in his work/business? I’m not at all saying that you have to do all this but you must give thought to all of these possibilities because processing it all whilst faced with the decision of getting married can be overwhelming… too many girls accept responsibilities they can not handle and sacrifice too much they cant let go of. If you are more career driven then it is important to find someone who is as equally driven, understands your passion and is willing to work with your timeline. 3. Think outside the box. Say you meet someone with aged parents, will you be able to wholeheartedly accept to live with them and care for them? Would you be willing to move interstate or overseas with him? How much of someone’s past are you truly able to accept? (i.e. never in the future be burdened by or make him feel burdened by it) What if he had an unislamic past and has now turned to Deen? Maybe spent jail time? Was previously married? What if he has children? Judging someone for their past is completely forbidden in Islam so you must never judge anyone, but marrying someone with a past that you force yourself to accept will not do either of you any good. You have to be true to yourself and your capabilities from day one. You may be a good person and he may also be a good person but that does not necessarily mean you are good for each other… In saying that, when you have all your answers, you must sit with someone older, wiser and more experienced than you and discuss every single one of them. People who have lived a number of years on this planet have a beautiful way of showing us how mistaken we can be at times… how nothing worldly matters in the end because innalilahiwainnailayhirajioon. Something that personally changed the way i viewed my future goals and aspirations is a lecture i watched years ago… the sheikh was talking about Khadejah (ra) and how everyone knew her because of how successful she was in trade… but Allah (swt) did not send his Salaams to her in the Quran for being a successful businesswoman… that may have been how every single other person in the town knew her but she was gifted Salaams by Allah (swt) because she was recognised for being the amazing wife that she was and for being the best support for her family… do you know how many prophets there were that are not even mentioned in the Quran? SubhanAllah… there are so many stories and conversations that must have taken place during that time but Allah (swt) chose to isolate and reveal to us the characteristics of Khadeja (ra) as a wife and mother for a reason… Something that us ladies have unfortunately done to ourselves in the West is automatically assume that we are unsuccessful if we stay home to raise a family, when in fact, raising righteous children is the definition of success. In saying that, Khadejah (ra) shows us that it is possible to attain both. We just need to recognise our roles inside and outside of the house and understand that whilst it does not always have to be one or the other, there will be times in our lives where we may have to choose… and at those times we must implement the notion of living by deen over dunya. Women have been given such an important role in the success of our Ummah but we unfortunately tie these roles to being submissive to a patriarchal society. We should concentrate more on fulfilling our responsibilities in Islam as a wife and a mother before demanding our rights. Too many married women speak to single girls as if we should enter our marriage knowing that our husbands will treat us terribly and our mother-in-laws will be the ones to file our divorce papers… it does not have to be that way. One of the best advice i have probably been given in regards to men is “Don’t marry the guy you think your love, marry the guy that loves you” I understand that now because i understand that when a guy loves you, appreciates you and puts in effort in your relationship… making these sacrifices for him and your family becomes easy. In saying that, this world is a test and we may not all be so lucky... so even if the man we marry is as bad as Firawn, we should have sabr and remind ourselves that Firawn’s wife Assia was one of the few who were promised Jannah… Because through all this and no matter who the person we are married to is, Jannah is our end goal. SO ladies, lets stop listening to the ideologies of these Jahil feminists who are equally offended when they are asked to step out of a kitchen as much as they are when they are asked to step in… I promise you these people are confused. Chasing this dunya will not get you anywhere, only seek to attain the pleasure of Allah (swt). Right now, our ummah is struggling. We are the first point in contact for the next generation (our children InSha’Allah). We need to start giving furthering our Islamic education after high school importance and not just press the options of becoming doctors, engineers and lawyers. We need to implement proper islamic values and teachings in our homes. It is by in large children from western countries that are not exposed to Islamic fundamentals who take a turn towards deen (with good intent) and make their own incorrect interpretations that have lead to the formation of radical groups. We play a massive role in our homes. We need to take pride in that and set ourselves up for the task as of now. We need to do the best that we can to find the right person for us but once we are tested in our marriages, which we will be, we need to remind ourselves of our duties and make every decision with Allah (swt) in our hearts and minds. While we are single, our duty is to be the best we can be so that InSha’Allah we may deserve the best in the eyes of Allah (swt). We shouldn’t be looking at how tall or handsome or wealthy a guy is… we should be looking at his character and whether he is working towards success in this world or the next. It is okay to have nothing if you are both willing to work hard in building something together. And don’t rush. Don’t settle for Mr. Right Now… wait for Mr. Righteous. And once he finds you, do what you need to do within your Islamic boundaries to make it work. If you need to live with your parents or his parents for a few years until you can stand on your own two feet, then do it. Don’t worry about what people say or think because you will never please everyone and trying to has caused too many relationships to fail already. Stop overthinking every situation. If you and him have an understanding and it is within your Islamic boundaries, then don’t worry about people. If you need to make nikkah and live separately until you can afford a home together, do it. That, I believe, is much better than an engagement that last years. So sisters, stop planning for your $600,000 dream home or your $60,000 wedding or your $6,000 ring… he may not be able to afford all that and thats okay... because the size of your diamond will never be what holds your marriage together. I can not stress enough how much this is a reminder to myself first.
Posted on: Tue, 28 Oct 2014 06:25:28 +0000
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