Morning November 13th, 2014 I am trying not to let memories from last year be my focus. Yesterday, Meredith’s birthday, I managed to stay busy through noon time doing a number of different things. By noon I had taken care of the things I meant to do. After that I went walking in a few different places and arrived home early afternoon. I’ve tried to stay busy all day with something positive or constructive. The theory is that being busy will help with the difficult moments. I think it did for the better part of the day. After work Ed brought Meredith by and we had a little time with her singing Happy Birthday and letting her eat a cupcake. Meredith didn’t have a problem figuring out what to do. Her hands were into the frosting on the cupcake in no time. She put her fingers in her mouth and thoroughly enjoyed her moment in the sun. Of course we took pictures and digital video of the event. The goodness of the moment helped all of us. I keep thinking about how I need to move forward with my journey. I have long ago stopped looking for answers and questioning why things went so terribly wrong for Kendra. I am in a place where I am looking for what I need to do now. One can accept the fact that things cannot be changed and that control over life is not always in our hands. There will be times that come up now and again when I want to know why everything was so unfair. That kind of thinking is counterproductive. Time is wasted, emotions are irritated. Yesterday, Meredith’s birthday and the blessings we have were very evident. We have a beautiful granddaughter. We have Ed who has never turned away from us, even when he is trying so hard to find his way through all that has happened. Shirley and I have each other. Sometimes we talk, sometimes nothing is said for hours. We just try and reconcile ourselves to the reality of our life. I have come to the conclusion that we are sometimes taken to places where are burdens are so great we don’t know what to do. That is when God really wants us to turn to him. Miracles do happen and people do survive when they never really should. Miracles I believe are a rarity. If one is in such critical condition that every part of a person’s life is threatened, recovery is very doubtful. I accepted that premise in Birmingham when we were having to see what we didn’t want to see. I accepted that we weren’t going to see a miracle. So some might ask why after tens of thousands of prayers for Kendra why the prayer didn’t work. All I can say is that God’s will and plan is much larger, much more complicated, and much more beyond our capacity to understand than I know. We had the best doctors, the best facilities, and the support of thousands and yet, it was not meant to be, we were not going to come home with our daughter. I still believe that God does not point a finger at a person and determine their fate on this earth except in very rare situations. There are billions and billions of people on this earth. What would it be like if God was always reshaping our life, directing us where we needed to be? It doesn’t work like that, God gave us free will and the world is not controlled by God. The world is the dominion of the unworldly, the devil if you will. The devil is more than happy to sow seeds of doubt and temptation. He is uses misinformation, half-truths, any kind of twisting of the truth to lead people astray. 29Now I have told you before it happens, so that when it happens, you may believe. 30I will not speak much more with you, for the ruler of the world is coming, and he has nothing in Me; 31but so that the world may know that I love the Father, I do exactly as the Father commanded Me. Get up, let us go from here. John 14: 29- 31 These are the words Jesus spoke to the disciples not long before He would be betrayed by Judas and arrested. He tells the disciples that the devil reigns in the world, but not in Jesus, not in himself. The amazing thing is that Jesus knew that He could turn away from the time that was coming, but He was giving himself without reservation. He is the sacrifice that will save anyone that believes in him. I know Kendra loved God and Jesus. I know she was saved. I know that illness happens to people no matter how much they take precautions otherwise. I also know taking steps to be protected when they are at our disposal is wise. And who gives us our wisdom when we are unsure and worried? God does. If we ask for God to help us, rather than give us the things we need, we are more likely to have an answer. When we have the answer depends on God and our ability to discern the message. I think answers often come from other people. We gain knowledge, understanding through others. God puts us in a position to learn and do things through our own circumstances. Kendra unfortunately became a victim of respiratory infection that became pneumonia and from there terrible things happened. She never had the flu. To me it doesn’t make much difference what finally took her from all of us. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t supposed to happen and yet it did. Today, one year ago I drove Ed’s vehicle into a parking garage at UAB Hospital and we all got out and made our way to the CICU where Shirley and I saw Kendra for the first time since we left earlier in the month for a cruise. She was laying still. She was pale and covered with a blanket. She was intubated, a tube placed in her throat to help her breath and deliver air. There were medical pumps and tubing snaking across her shoulders and arms. I had seen this many times in my work. There were bags of fluid lined up on an IV tree. Sodium Chloride, various medications as well being delivered at intervals all through the day and night. This was my reality and so this is how we began our life again in Birmingham, Alabama. I can choose to let that kind of memory dominate my thinking or not. I choose not. Yesterday was Meredith’s birthday and I am so glad we got to see our little granddaughter. I can’t make the bad memories go away all the time. I can replace them sometimes with better memories of Kendra and others I love. I won’t forget Kendra, she is with us all the time and now her daughter is here blessing us. I’m already tired, so much energy is needed to work forward. Forgive me Lord for my sins, hold me up Lord because I want to move toward you. Help me to move forward, help me to see the needs of others. Thank you for being so good to us. Papi
Posted on: Thu, 13 Nov 2014 12:30:00 +0000
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