My Life With Depression... Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline It was a warm Spring day in 1999. I was 33 years old and my life was spinning out of control. With a 16 year marriage that was now ending in divorce, raising a child with serious physical ailments and another child with developmental and neurological disabilities, life was beyond hard. Id managed to keep it together for many years for the sake and well-being of my children but not on this day. The darkest day. Darkness had overcome me, once and for all. The thoughts had been there forever but on this day they prevailed. If this was going to be the way I had to live then I didnt want to live anymore. The thick, suffocating air that made it impossible to breathe was a constant. That feeling of someone holding a cloth over my mouth was excruciating and didnt let up.... ever. Breathing became more than just an unpleasant task. Visions of making the pain stop once and for all was finally going to be my reality. No more pain. It will all go away .... finally. I had idealized suicide, creating plans in my head and on paper but could never bring myself to just do it. The flash flood of emotions were overwhelming and consuming. I was flawed, weak and crazy. There wasnt anything I could do to make myself feel better. There was no way out. I was worthless and undesirable and knew it would be better for all involved if I was gone. 1. No one cares 2. No one understands 3. Im all alone 4. This situation Im in is never going to end There would be no more worrying about the future because there would be no future. Thoughts of the past have diminshed because the end has come. Attempt #1 was unsuccessful which caused an even greater amount of pain and suffering for me. Enter the pschiatrist and medication and .... diagnosis. Fastforward to Fall of 2001... The uncontrollable crying and sobbing and fear of leaving my apartment consumed me. I was scared of my furniture! The blinds pulled, constant darkness and rocking back and forth on the floor was an every day event, sometimes I could last up to 8 hours or more, rocking back and forth. Loss of appetite, major weight loss - Sleep became my way out. Sleeping for 20 hours at a time. I believed this pain would never end. It had completely taken its toll on me. I was finished, once again. Done. Attempt #2 was unsuccessful. Enter psychiatric hospital stay. 30 days. Ive dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life. It isnt a simple or get on with it kind of illness. It is very real and it can be debilitating. No one is immune to this mental illness. It can happen to anyone. Im still here. I can honestly say that there is hope. While going through the depths of hell the aloneness is very real. I know this, firsthand. Im a mental health advocate nowadays. I mentor and help others who are experiencing or are in similiar situations. Im here to listen and let others know that they are never alone. Resources: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention National Alliance on Mental Illness National Institute of Mental Health Mental Health Gov Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Admistration Mental Health Help
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 19:09:14 +0000
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