My friend Dani wrote me this most excellent poem in support of my disdain for craft beer, pretentious cafe food and hipster culture in general. It is a masterpiece. A few gentle words for pretentious bars: I will not drink out of jars. I apologise for sounding terse, Im not averse to a bit of repurposing. I reuse and recycle. Im happy to embrace any measure that reduces waste, But you know its a farce to buy jars on purpose instead of glasses, and its just not worth it As a drinking vessel a jars imperfect and I respect your aesthetic, but it doesnt serve its purpose, Especially when the drink i ordered came in a single serve bottle from which you just poured it. And let me now be very clear. I have no taste for boutique beer, So Ill eschew your self-reviewed local microbrew menu I decry your uninspired pumpkin pie, double hopped, spiced with lime rind barley pop. The peoples prides been gentrified, redefined, diversified, overpriced and undersupplied. And Ill deride any asinine self-defined craft draught mastermind who sells the lie that beer is socially refined If Id wanted a frothy fruity head, Id have ordered a strawberry mousse instead. Another trend I cant encourage is the wholesome bowl of prestige porridge As every respectable cafe now boasts this elitist appropriation of oats The latest breakfast of privilege, a lavish cereal sacrilege With clotted cream, lightly spiced, and exotic fruit, finely diced, inevitably overpriced. Extravagant oatmeal is the culinary heist that embodies the contemporary dining zeitgeist. Its the cafe counter cultural revolution carried through to its absurd conclusion And in this modern dining space, even the atheist makes us wait As the ritual of grace is replaced by tag before you taste updates. As a facebook checkin notification alerts the world to your current location You engage in the overplayed instagram filter masquerade like an endless game of bad charades Posted with a mundane refrain of rapturous overstated praise for the cafes housemade marmalade As if the world gives half a damn for your single source artisan organic local origin jam on wholegrain stoneground sourdough, slowly baked in a woodfired stove.
Posted on: Tue, 02 Dec 2014 03:57:36 +0000
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