My wife told me Wednesday night that she was leaving me and we needed this weekend to plan our separation. She had made a post on Susans Place...looking for answers, or a way to change me back to her husband. The title of her post under the SO section was how to stay or say goodbye. I tried to write a response to her and get her to see that I love her and ask her to stay. She came down in the middle of me writing it and kind of messed me up. She wanted to stay I guess because she found me crying. The message to her came out awkward and not how I wanted. She was not moved by the message to her...but used it to go back and look at previous posts I had made. She fixated on some embarrassing things I admitted to in one of the 4 posts I did on that site....when I too was looking for answers and help. Last night she exploded with anger. She threw every insult real or imagined at me. I could not think what upset her so much...she fixated on a few things, one was that my therapist was telling me to experiment more with womens clothing and makeup to gain confidence and two (a bit embarrassed about this one) - The fact I regularly wear panties and tape things flat. Most of these are things I already told her. When I re-read those old posts...I see someone desperate to survive. I see someone in distress about the conflict between their own survival and the happiness of their wife and child.....she saw none of that. I think she is going to hurt me again...or possible kill me, her rage is that intense. My current therapist has strongly warned me that I am in a very high risk category and I need to get out. I cant stop her if she decides to hurt me...I found that out Thursday (the only thing to save me then was a call to 911). I am very much different than a year ago. I am 60 lbs lighter and Im starting to think that most of that was muscle mass. I dont even want to fight back...I feel like this is my fault. She can only see a grown pervert who tricked her. When I think back all I see is a child who grew up confused alone and ashamed of who they were. My wife is not buying the we have no choice...we were born this way...argument. She is too smart...we can fool everyone else, but not her. I mean what a fun life I have getting stared at laughed at humiliated, just plain hated, not fitting in as either a woman or a man in society, being worried about if I will have a job or not, losing my entire family and being shunned even by people that say they accept you....losing my only friend and life partner. This is so much freaking fun...Im not sure why everyone doesnt do it. I am hitting my limits on the pain I can take. The only bright spot I have is my little boy who tells me he will love me no matter what....and now my wife is going to take him away.
Posted on: Fri, 23 Jan 2015 11:57:45 +0000
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