NEW LEASE ON LIFE 2013 JIMMY L. MANLEY Folks, I went to my dentist appointment this morning. I got up a little late and didn’t have time to do my normal nature call. I hurried on down there and got in the dental chair for impressions for the partial to be taken. I was still kinda wanting to make the nature call but figured if I could just relax for a few more minutes I would be alright. The dental assistant put that ole stuff in my mouth and told me to bite down. Well I did that and she had me lay my head back and that impression stuff they use run on back down my throat and nearly choked me to death. I started coughing, pooting and ah sputtering and almost lost control of my bowels. I was really beginning to feel the pain folks. Not from the dental work, but from the bowels. Soon the impressions were made and they ran me on outta the place right quick. Didn’t even charge me anything at all. Said for me to hurry on out and I could just pay when I came back Wednesday. Ok, I said, as I left the place and walked slowly to the car taking little bitty steps being very careful not to extend my legs very far. On my way out I noticed that the people that were in the waiting room when I went in were all standing outside. As I passed them to get to the car they all hurried back in. When I reached the car instead of throwing my right leg up and into the car followed by my left leg I opened the door, turned a little and sit down into the seat like a female would and then twisted my body to the right under the steering wheel making sure that my butt was flat on the seat. As I drove up the road I was beginning to get a new lease on life and felt much better about the situation. I thought Maybe I could make it now cause the call of nature had let up a little. I needed to stop for a few groceries and since the pressure had let up a little I thought it would be alright. I decided that I would just stop at Aldi’s and use their bathroom and then do a little shopping. Low and behold, the bathroom was in use. I knocked on the door and hollerd to thu fella that I had to sh-t baaaaad. I cried as I scratched on thu bathroom door and begged to be let in. Out of desperation, I even offered him a tootsie pop, but no use, the bastard just told me to go away. I slowly pushed the buggy up to the cashier, paid my bill and wobbled out to thu parking lot to thu car. As I opened the trunk of the car to put the groceries in the pressure became almost unbearable. I started to just crawl in the boot and close the truck lid, but with my luck I thought I would be locked in it til dooms day. I looked around and thought about those bushes they have at the end of the parking lot. I got over there pretty quick and took a look. Nothing but thorny bush leaves and briars there. Well, since I wasn’t a rabbit I thought I’d better find another place. Finding no place I though I’d push the cart over into the bushes and just jump up in it backward and sit down to do my job. So I sturdied the buggy, dropped my pants, turned around and jumped straight up and a little back thinking I’d land right smack in thu middle of it. Coming down, I landed on the side of the buggy and bout broke my ass as thu buggy went one way and me the other. I finally pulled myself up and thought about trying it again, but thought with my luck, I’d get hung in the damn thing and when they found my body in about two weeks they’d have my face and ass on thu front page of the Anderson Independent newspaper or even worse the New York Times. Suffering like I was I just pushed the buggy outta thu way. I didn’t even take time to get my quarter back for thu buggy. I hurried on home folks and called Miss Precious on the cell phone as I hit thu yard to have the door open for me as I got to thu porch. I was walking real fast ’n turning round in small circles when she met me at the door. She wanted to know what was going on. I told her to move outta thu way cause this was ah mergency. I finally stumbled on into thu bathroom. With my pants down round my knees I turned to sit down on my throne, stepped on my belt, got tripped up ’n fell over into thu bathtub. It was hell with all thu pain ’n a swollen belly trying to crawl outta that thing but, I rolled over thu rim of thu tub and fell into thu floor where I belly crawled over to thu throne, pulled myself up and sit down. What ah relief it was folks. I was breathing heavy and ah flushing thu commode hard and fast although it was stopped up and running over like water going over Niagara Falls. I didn’t care cause I was feeling good and gitting ah new lease on life until Miss Precious came into thu room with that grass cutting mask on ah spraying that damn bug spray er weed eater to neutralize thu odor. I just leaned back and must have passed out cause I don’t remember much of anything after that fumigating . It felt like she must ah drug me over to thu tub ’n turned thu shower on me ’n scrubbed me down with thu commode brush while using ajax and bleach. I finally woke up sometime way in thu night and crawled over to thu bed, pulled myself up and layed there resting ‘n thinking things over. I thought that I didn’t need to be hurrying off like that no more. Just to get even with those folks down at thu dental office I thought I would just take a little bit ah “fart rock” down there with me Wednesday ’n hide it in a chair out in thu waiting room just before I leave. I came to thu conclusion that next time it would probably be “Better to let them wait than me to hurry off like that.” Y’all be good folks and remember to sh-t before you leave home. Jimmy Just a little story I made up folks. copyright 2013
Posted on: Tue, 18 Jun 2013 00:29:52 +0000
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