Now its time for a new special segment that will be a weekly occurence, called Shooting the Shit with Staley. In this weeks segment, Im covering what it takes to be a TRUE Brazilian fighter. J.S.’s list of requirements needed to be recognized as a true Brazilian fighter: 1. The Brazilian fighter must walk out to terrible walk out music (Rocky Theme, fast techno based songs, Bodies by Drowning Pool), 2. You must make the meanest face ever at the weigh-ins, as well as at the stare down in the middle of the cage (Motions like slashing the throat, pointing your finger at your opponent and then pointing it down aren’t required, but they add to your Brazil points). 3. In the cage, you must attempt at least one spinning shit strike every fight (Once every round equals more Brazil points). 4. You must grab the cage when an opponent is trying to take you down, or kick an opponent in the groin at least once per fight. 5. This doesn’t apply directly to the fighter, but your corner must tell you that you are winning every round of the fight, no matter how badly you might be losing. 6. You must claim that you can outbox an established, and oftentimes legendary, professional boxer. 7. While mentioning Cheezus isn’t required, pointing up to the sky before and after you fight will help Cheezus support you and win you a fight. 8. If you lose, you must make up any and every excuse in the book as to why you lost. Never say that your opponent was better than you. Never admit defeat. EVA 9. You must have a weird speaking voice. If you pronounce “I’m going to kill you Chael” correctly, just as it is typed, you cannot be recognized as a true Brazilian fighter. 10. You must be a black belt in everything. Bjj-Must. Kung Fu-Must. General Tso’s-Must. 11. It is perfectly acceptable to have a mentor. But, your mentor must be a fat out of shape former movie star, who claims to have taught you everything. 12. It is frowned upon to be able to take a fighter down. You aren’t a true Brazilian if you constantly go for the takedown. 13. You must drop your hands when striking. No one can stand with you, just keep your hands down. Your opponent sucks, and will never be able to hit you. Also stick your chin out as well. 14. Throw a shit ton of leg kicks. A shit ton. 15. And finally, drink piss. Lots of piss. If you follow these steps, you will be considered a true Brazilian fighter, as well as a master of training UFC. -J.S.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Nov 2013 19:40:38 +0000
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