Ok, so its No Shave November. Heres the thing. Every Sunday I go see my Mother. Little, old, Italian woman. I walk in, she kisses me, grabs my face and says,Letta me look atta U! Now , if it just so happens that Im not freshly shaven. For whatever reason, I was runnin late, I was feelin Crockett & Tubbs...whatever , my Ma gets a very serious look on her face and she says,Peter! Are you a depressed? I get defensive and Im all,NO! Why are you askin me that?!?! And she says,Ohhhhh, I reada in da magazine that when people are very unhappy they Donta shave a no more! I said,Ma...Im very happy. Why would I be depressed? Its just some hair. Then she stares at me without blinking...Im looking right back. For Gods sake I am 46 years old. I am not losing this state down to a tiny, elderly woman. Then she changes tactics,I madea u beautiful! Now you cover your face!! So I says,Ma! Im not growing a beard. I just didnt shave today. And then I yelled,And Im Happy! She looks at me pityingly and says,Oh no,Peter. You no sounda happy to me., as she turns her head disapprovingly side to side. Then my Father walks over and says to her,Whassa da matter wid U? She nonchalantly says ,I am fine...your son is depressed. Then I yell,Pop!! Im happy!! Then her goes,Ok, calma down! Then my mother interjects,Peter wants to use on of your razors to shave. Before I can respond,my father says,Ok, ittsa on the neat of da sink. ( mind you he didnt say underneath, but ON THE NEAT of the sink) Now I yell,Pop! I dont want a razor! Then he gets all,Ok! Take it easy!! Then my mother yells indignantly,Youre father is a 75yearsa old! And he shave hissa face every single day! For 75 years!!! Then as if that declaration was not enough she follows that strait jab with the perfect knockout punch...the one shot that cannot be countered. A shot that would have laid out even the Great Sugar Ray Robinson....Every day he shavea hissa face, even when he hadda cancer!!!!! Now, the fights all out of me. I bow my head at the dinner table, and mumble,Ok Ma, when I come over next Sunday I will make sure to shave. Then she comes over with a big smile, gives me a kiss on the cheek and says,I jussa wanna U to be happy! So....yeah...not growing the beard in November.
Posted on: Sat, 01 Nov 2014 23:40:24 +0000
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