On being torn between two partners . Q #899: My question seems to have been addressed somewhat in Question #417, but having read your answer, Im still unclear on how to separate form from content. I am unmarried but have had a monogamous 14 year “special” relationship. We do not live together. Almost a year ago, I met someone else and began an affair. Shortly thereafter I confided the affair to my boyfriend who has chosen to remain with me. I feel very strongly that for some reason, Im supposed to know this other person. And for some reason Im supposed to be going through all of this as part of the process to extricate the “specialness” out of my primary relationship. Im confused about whether this is part of the forgiveness process or ego insanity or both, depending upon what day of the week it is. It seems insane to everyone around me who are all unfamiliar with A Course in Miracles . And as mentioned in your response to Question #417, you advise its helpful to remove interferences such as guilt if only for an instant. How do I do that? My guilt over hurting my “special” partner is enormous and growing. I cannot imagine ending my relationship with the other person and all this feels as though it is destroying my primary “special” relationship. A: It is not clear what you mean by “extricating specialness” from the relationship. You describe the form of the relationships, but not the content. Specialness, as taught in A Course in Miracles, is always about content, and never about form (behavior), nor are relationships. The Course talks only about asking Jesus or the Holy Spirit to help you change the purpose of the relationship from specialness to holiness. Many students have wrongly interpreted this to mean that they should not have an exclusive relationship on the level of form, because a holy relationship excludes no one. Yes, that is true, but it applies solely to the content of the holy (non-special) relationship; but this content of all-inclusiveness is perfectly consistent with a monogamous relationship. The transformation of content involves evaluating the purpose of the relationship. In a special relationship, the purpose is always related to what you can get from the relationship and how it serves your interests; therefore, it always involves dependency, expectations, bargaining, compromise, sacrifice, manipulation, and deception. Separation and separate interests become reinforced over and over. All relationships start out that way. By inviting Jesus into the relationship, you would gradually shift its purpose from maintaining separation to learning that you and your partner share the same interests, and that this extends to everyone else as well. Your focus would be on learning to recognize that you both share the same wrong mind, the same right mind, and the same decision-making capacity to choose either the egos or the Holy Spirits thought system. The relationships primary focus, thus, is not on filling each others needs in order to make your lives better in the world, but on having your mind be healed of all thoughts of separation -- learning that your completion is achieved only through recognizing that your need for completion stems from having rejected your wholeness as the Self of Christ, and that this is a decision that can be changed at any instant ( see T.16.V) . It remains unclear why you would need to have an affair to learn this, especially one that has engendered such conflict. In general, we can say that when guidance comes from the Holy Spirit, there would be a growing sense of peace about it, not increasing guilt and conflict. Guilt and conflict should be a red flag indicating that something is not quite right, and perhaps the prevailing opinion of those who know you well is in accord with that. The ego is very skillful in using spiritual teachings to further its own plan of keeping separation real. Another sure sign that a relationship is centered in specialness is the feeling “I cannot imagine ending my relationship with the other person.” Now, that might also be right-minded in the sense that this is the person with whom you have chosen to learn your forgiveness lessons. But, again, there would be a growing sense of peace about it, as forgiveness always leads to an increasing awareness that both you and your partner are centered in the one same Christ Self, not in each other as separate individuals. The dependency on bodily togetherness lessens, as you gradually realize you are the same as minds. The spiritual journey in A Course in Miracles is toward oneness. facimoutreach.org/qa/questions/questions179.htm#Q899
Posted on: Sun, 20 Jul 2014 13:19:58 +0000
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