On grief: the grief of our children and, the grief that each of us have, or will experience. It seems to me that in our culture death and dying are somewhat of a taboo. We dont speak about it much less plan for it, and that leaves those of us left behind when the inevitable experience of death of a loved one happens, struggling to make sense of or put meaning to one of the most natural occurrences of everybodys life. Many of us experiencing bereavement and grief for the first time feel completely shattered by the array of disturbing feelings, intense sadness, anger, denial, isolation, and perhaps even guilt. These emotions play havoc inside of us and we have no idea how to make sense of them or what to do with them. Initially we believe they might kill us too. It feels like half of us dies when our loved one dies. Or for our children who experience the deepest loss, that of a parent, the insanity that wells up inside of them becomes misunderstood by the rest of the world. The private, sacred memories, the details of the moment of separation or death that get replayed and replayed and replayed, end up going underground out of fear of the grieving lest the rest of you see our insanity. Only, as we all know too well, that which gets buried resurfaces at the most inopportune time if not gently nurtured, nourished and given the sacred space to blossom in safety. For many, this is probably the fiercest sadness and pain of our entire lives. Making sense of it while immersed in the darkness becomes impossible. I invite each of you who work with children of loss and trauma and each of you who may be in relationship to someone who you know is grieving now or whom has grieved in the recent past to assure them that theyre feeling what is only natural to feel. To assure them that the process of mourning is long and often torturous, where grief and anger and sadness might return again and again in cycles. Comfort them by normalizing their experience of shock and numbness and disbelief by gently letting them know that all of this will Fade, gently and slowly, over a long period of time and will at some point be replaced by a deep and it times desperate awareness of the immensity of their loss. And even this will eventually settle into a state of recovery and balance. Over time. Time that will require great patience and fortitude by those of us supporting those who grieve. Our children and each of us need to know that this is a pattern that might repeat itself over and over again month after month and yet every unbearable feeling and fear of being able to function as a human being is normal. Help them, help us, make sense of this. Encourage them to know that their grief is their grief and there is no timeframe or time limit. Grief is a wound that needs attention in order to heal. We learn to work through it and to face our feelings openly and honestly. When provided safety we learn to express and release our feelings fully and even to tolerate the sheer terror running through our mind and body and spirit for however long it takes for the wound to heal. You see some of us fear that once acknowledged the grief might completely take us over. But the truth is that the grief experienced does dissolve. Grief unexpressed is a grief that cannot. In her honor I will work to shatter the myth of grief, and in her honor I will continue to work through my own. 💜💙
Posted on: Sun, 18 Jan 2015 18:47:35 +0000
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