People pleasing can be a defeating habit in a persons life, simply because the act itself takes your focus off what you CAN control, and puts your focus on to what you CANT control, which is somebody elses happiness and peace of mind. Here is a perfect example to illustrate my point: If you buy your lover flowers, and they come home to tell you they just received a raise at work - the flowers you give them are just going to add to their joy, and you are going to have a wonderful evening. However, if you buy your lover flowers, and they come home to tell you they just got fired from work - they may look at the flowers and give a quick smile just to acknowledge you and quickly go back to sulking. You will never be able to predict what kind of mood anyone is going to be in all the time, simply because things will always happen outside of our control. Consequently, their happiness or misery is in that persons hands. I have developed what I call, The People Pleasing Quadrant to broaden readers awareness of wat people-pleasing is, and what to do once those people-pleasing tendencies rear their ugly heads. The four situations (quadrants) are as follows: Quadrant # 1: Dealing with the people you like or love when those people ALSO like or love you in return: This first quadrant is the easiest to manage, because you genuinely like or love the person you are dealing with, and they like or love you as well. No matter how much you like or love someone, or how much they like or love you, bad things will happen sometimes. We all say things sometimes we dont mean. Try not to feel responsible for fixing or protecting them. Let the person you like and love feel hurt, angry, mad, and upset. Although you can sympathize or emphathize with the person and let them know you will be there for them, if they want to talk. Give them a little space, and let things sort themselves out. Spend your energy focusing on more productive ventures, such as going for a jog to get in shape, studying for an important test, or reading a book that is of interest to you. People-pleasing is really annoying to people who like or love you already. They dont expect you to make everything better, they just need some time to get over it. Quadrant # 2: Dealing with the people you like or love when those people DONT like or love you in return: The second quadrant is oftentimes the most painful quadrant to come to terms with, regardless if it is about a friend, family member, or lover. Once in a great while, we can like or even love someone who doesnt like or love us in return. We do everything in our power to be good enough, supportive enough, encouraging enough, kind enough, whatever enough! But somehow, it is never enough, and it never will be. Once in awhile, these people we like or love are nice to us out of pity, guilt, regret or remorse - or because we are fulfilling some kind of need for them that they dont want to give up. Dont mistake their temporary kindness as genuine concern! Because honestly, these people dont like or love us at all. It could be for a variety of reasons, but those reasons dont have anything to do with you. The trick for getting over people-pleasing in this quadrant is to realize what quadrant these people belong in, and come to terms with the fact that they dont like or love you. On the other hand, realize that there are millions of other people out here who would absolutely adore you. Realize that you are wasting your valuable and precious time with people pleasing, especially in this quadrant, because no matter what you do, it wont matter. Just move on to someone who will like, love and appreciate the person you are. Quadrant # 3: Dealing with the people you DONT like or love when those people DO like or love you. Most of the people-pleasing in this quadrant comes out of guilt, pity or personal gain. Although I must admit, it is really hard not to like someone who likes you, but you may be able to definitely see that the other person likes or loves you WAY more than you like or love them. During Pre-University days, a girl who was in my class decided to ask me out on a date. She really had a crush on me, and I could tell. However, I didnt feel the same way about her. But I did enjoyed all of the goo-goo eyes and attention she gave me. At the time, I didnt see anything wrong with taking advantage of whatever she was willing to do for me. But my friend pulled me aside and told me why it wasnt nice to encourage gestures and lead a person on, especially when I knew her intentions. Of course, I liked her as a person because she was so sweet. But the truth of the matter is, she was wasting her time with me when I wasnt interested. Although I could have continued to use her, I went with my friends advice and politely told her that I could no longer accept gifts etc. because I was not interested in dating anyone at that time. However, we decided to be just friends and did fun things together on occasion. She found a boyfriend who truly adored her to pieces, and who fell madly in love with her. It would be selfish of me to stand in the way of that. Quadrant # 4: Dealing with the people you DONT like when they DONT like you either! A person will rarely find themselves in this quadrant when it comes to their personal life, unless it has to do with Ex-Lovers, Ex-Wives, Ex-Husbands or possibly step families. Otherwise, you can just get up and walk away, which is why quadrant four is reserved mostly for the work place and figures of authority! People-pleasing in this quadrant reflects suppressed feelings, and putting up with a lot of emotional, mental and verbal abuse. It can be because you are afraid of losing your job or because you are afraid of the person themselves. In situations like this, it is always best to get a third party involved, because for one reason or another - you are forced to deal with this person, and they are forced to deal with you. Neither one of you are going to be able to compromise about a reasonable solution on your own, because both of you dont care what is in the others best interest! There needs to be a mediator who can look at the situation objectively on neutral ground, and come up with a reasonable solution. Dont be afraid to be the bigger person and ask for outside help. It is the only way the conflict will be resolved. In matters dealing with the family, it may be best to go to counseling, join a support group, or bring a person from the outside into the situation. Remember, your goal is to focus on how you can change things, and make them head in a positive direction. Be a part of the solution, not the problem. If everyone else wants to wallow in their misery and problems, you can let them do just that. But you can choose something different. If you go into each situation expecting the best - you will always come out on top. But most importantly, be yourself! There is no point going through life pretending to think and feel a certain way just to please other people. Besides that, you wont have the opportunity to attract the people in your life who would really like or love the person you truly are! Another tidbit Id like to share There are three types of people in this world. There are givers and there are takers.But once in a great while, you will be fortunate enough to find a person who is capable of doing both. I hope this article will encourage you to be a person who does both : )
Posted on: Wed, 02 Apr 2014 00:19:04 +0000
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