Powerless. In a state of restless motion unable to find a port of comfort. Im lost without a destination or future. Not that I dont have a future or a purpose, but that due to my current experiences, I feel shaken, alone, and without power. My single greatest weakness/flaw/inability to do good lays in my inability to stand up for myself and others. Something happened to me at some point in my life that stopped me from being able to tell people off. I dont know if it was my dad or someone else, but every time I come to a point when lives are on the line and I need to put someone in their place, I lock up, I freeze: people die, all because Im incapable of just speaking my mind. I can yell at my mom, I can tell her how I feel, but no one else. Im an extremely timid person and while people may think that surprising, its true: Im shy as hell about certain things. I can talk about a theory or an idea or my pain, but if you are hurting me or you decision is leading to destructive actions, and if you are in a position of power, I wont act. I remember my Freshman year in high school standing up to a student for harassing one of the cheerleaders, Colleen Toombs. He kept grabbing her skirt and flicking it up. I later thought that she might not have actually cared and I was being a complete imbecile for trying to be all heroic (they might have even been dating for all I know—I wasnt exactly keyed in to dating habits, actually, to this day Im completely oblivious to the vast proportions of people in the world). I told the boy to stop or Id kick his ass. I told him that he shouldnt treat women that way and that when Colleen told him to stop, he should have. Again, I dont know if she actually wanted the attention or not. I really dont know. Given its been nearly 13-years (2001) since I told Ryan to stop, I really cant say if Colleen would even remember, nor whether even mentioning it would be embarrassing. I only bring this up because my life has seemed a great struggle of isolation, rejection, incorrect or misinterpreted social cues, and in general, a complete feeling of powerlessness. Ever since my dad died (last July), and with the financial mess we got into (1999-2002) moving into the steep decline of my fathers health and my ever increasing family responsibilities caring for my dad and mom, then grandfather, then my mom and dads finances, and basically becoming a full-time single parent of two elderly people (and orphaned in the process), compounded by abuses, broken dreams, and watching life seem to become something else, it all makes me feel a greater sense of helplessness. I dont want pity or sympathy. All I really want is the courage to wake up and not to be afraid or to lock up when someone starts hurting me and be able to be that obnoxious kid who told some jock to stop (even if I make things awkward), because its better to be awkward that to be a kick toy for 27-years. All that has done is make me want to crawl into a hole some where and die. Id really like to tell off all the people who have hurt me, but I feel like it wont solve anything (except maybe make me feel better, which might be a reason for being an asshole—a feeling of immediate release and resolution, instead of holding all the pain inside for ages, never finding a release). Maybe, I am a better, more mature and loving person for all of my trials, but at times like this, I really wish I had some objective answers from God. Living in a world of devoid of meaning really sucks ass (and for those who enjoy that sort of thing, I dont mean it in the good way—life just really become painful and meaningless, and that hurts and sucks you of purpose). All this stuff is just keeping me up. I figured Id start watching some random Netflix series, because Im back in that mindset that says that nothing good is left anymore to watch, because all the good stuff has been done and I feel empty. In reality, there is plenty to watch, I just have to regain courage (which I have lost to loss and overwhelming suffering and great trials—far greater and plentiful than my age would suggest) and start experimenting. Finally, Im changing my diet. More vegetables and meat, less carbs. I think controlling my sugars will really help control my weight. People may disagree, but thats ultimately my biggest problem (that and remembering to take my pills, exercise, finding motivation for doing much of anything, self-hate, world hate, suck-hate, and enmity towards those who ignore the plight of the weak). Yah, Ive got problems. Anyhow, if youve been tagged, if you want to hide this on your page, I believe their is a way in the drop-down menu so you wont have this show up on your page. The downside of Facebook is that I cant simply link a person without this showing up on their wall. Sometimes, Id just like to link you without having you get singled out. I guess thats why I enjoy G+ better (it doesnt make you become neighborhood gossip).
Posted on: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 10:18:58 +0000
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