Recently I posted about my desire in my twenties to commit suicide. Today I will talk about why. This is not an easy topic but as always I have tried to be transparent with my experiences in an effort to help others. Through sharing I have found a way to heal. When I was about 15 1/2 I was gang raped. It was three boys. I accepted a ride home from work and being very naive and trusting, when he said he needed to stop in for something at is apartment I didnt think twice. When they were done, he told me to get dressed and then dropped my off at my front door. A warning to keep my mouth shut. I was so numb and in shock that I did exactly as I was told. I took a shower, went to bed, cried myself to sleep and went to school the next day with a smile on my face as if nothing had ever happened. Having gone through something even more traumatic a few months earlier I was just done. Mentally, emotionally I was spent. I took the girl I had been, hid her deep inside my mind and put on the mask I would wear for the next 20 years. By the time I was in my twenties and found myself in that bathroom on that cold tile floor, I had worn the mask for so long that I couldnt remember who I used to be, only that I hated who I had become. Today I posted an article that several people took exception too. Out of respect for peoples feelings I have since removed it. Quite honestly what I took from that article and the reason that I shared it is because I think at some point we have choices to make. Please bear with me here and let me explain. Yes clinical depression is completely different than sadness. It is a chemical imbalance of the brain and can be dangerous. A large percentage of people who commit suicide are clinically depressed. Clinical depression IS a disease but like any disease if you leave it untreated their can be and are often consequences. Just like I left my PTSD alone for over two decades and I paid a huge price. I lost so much of myself to pretending, to acting like nothing was wrong when in reality everything was. I smiled, I laughed, I pretended that life was great but it was just that, an act. I was so ashamed of what had happened to me, so ashamed of my sadness and my anger. Feeling depressed, feeling lost; those where things you didnt talk about. You kept those things to yourself and hid them in the shadows with the rest of your secrets. I can see where points that the author of the blog made were not correct. What I took though and the only thing I took is that we cannot romanticize suicide. Its ugly and it hurts and the people left behind have to pick up pieces of lives that have been shattered. Had I gone through with my act, I would have left two children behind. I never would have met my husband, never would have gotten to be a mom to two more kids. Never would have become a grandma. Had I not found something inside myself that said Im lost. I cant do this anymore I would have lost out on living what I feel today is beautiful life. I dont know that I am ever going to be 100% ok. I think to much, I feel to much. I often find myself with thoughts swirling through my head that arent pretty. I take medication to help with my anxiety. I go to therapy and I write. Its not a cure. There isnt one but it is a proactive approach to living my life. I do believe though we have to make a choice. Even when it seems so dark that we cannot find our way out, that is when, more than ever, we need someone elses light. That is where the choice comes in. To reach out, to ask for help. To say I cant do this alone. When that sadness threatens to smother you like a blanket is when you need your friends and loved ones the most. Every day that I wake up I have to make the choice. Today I find a reason to smile, and if I cant, if Im feeling too overwhelmed, then today I reach out to someone who will understand. We must be there for one another. Just as no one really knew my pain, I cannot say I really know anothers unless they reach out. We were not put in this world though to walk it alone. We were put here to share and experience it together. My heart aches for the family of anyone who has dealt with suicide. It aches more though for the person who is contemplating it who cant see that the choice to stay is much more rewarding than the choice to leave.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 20:00:49 +0000
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