Seeking approval essentially is not in my nature. And thats not because I think I am above everyone and everything but simply because at a point in life (and that point came for me when I was quite young) I realized that I will never really fit in the mould of model applause worthy standards defined and laid out in the world around me and that trying just wasnt worth the effort. For most people I would always be wrong: too this, too that, too less of something, absolutely too much of something else etc. So I never really went to anyone to validate my being or my actions. And I guess I just figured Ill do all the dirty work myself. And now after its been so long, I cannot even relate with people who really, and I mean really, (and not like in kindness when we do things to simply spare our parents, friends etc truths, that might hurt them with white lies etc) - really bend over backwards and get entrenched in deep turmoil over what other people might think or are thinking about them. I watch this attribute in people in deep curious fascination. That said, even after all of the above when one day I chance on the name of a person I remember as having being someone who offered to connect with me online, case in point here - and I go over to their page on a whim to know more about them and I find were not friends anymore, it surely does take me by surprise. Look it doesnt matter how remotely connected you were, even online. The question is: what might have propelled such a person into disconnecting with you given there wasnt much in common to start with and that the connection was initiated by them? Pure academic, detached curiosity really. Maybe. Not that detached, fine. And as I think this over suddenly I remember, oh right. But then I could rattle off a million reasons myself. My lifestyle, my language, my opinions - brazen disregard for morality, custom and really just name whatever else you like. When was it last that any of that stood the fire of hardened conventional approval calls and emerged unscathed and victorious? At that point I shrug and think to myself : uneasy lies the head that wears a crown:) but also, I think : and then there are these people who have the bigness of heart to allow all my drama and nuisance, here and in the real and they simply just let all the bile and often the bilge flow like a river that simply cannot be tethered. Must not be tethered, actually. With my thick tongue and my disregard for politeness I am pretty sure I have given grief to many people who are simply just the best things about my life, and some of them are here too, online. And they take the drama in their stride and strangely even love me in parts and think Im some good too! Thats the part that floors me. Cos unlike them I dont think im any good and thats ok too. So mostly this is a shout out to all those people here - and they clearly know who all they are: Thank you for tolerating me. Im grateful you exist!
Posted on: Fri, 25 Oct 2013 14:12:19 +0000
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