Self Doubt is an insidious companion. I slip into the knowing. I rock myself softly in my gentlest heart, the world unfolds and eternity expands me, the immensity of that place rushes through me and is me, like the winds of that empty night on interstate west 80. There is nothing but stars, silence and wind. You suddenly realize your are no longer, for you are unseen, you dont exist. When the stars shine down upon you and fill you with the knowing in every fibre of your being that you came to this world alone and you leave the same way, no companion for that trip no one to say that its going to be ok, or shelter you from fears. Still, there is a freedom in the invisibility, more powerful than the winds themselves, more wide than my 15 year old selfs eyes could be opened, Trucks roaring thunder, bright blinding lights would suddenly bare down upon me and I was shaking on the precipice of correct action, too close to the shoulder the draft of the semi would spiral you into its wheels, suck you up into its guts, to far off the shoulder and the the same force of the speeding metal giants would blow you off the shoulder into the electric fence. There was nothing, I was surrounded by openess, nothing but endless fields of space and still such thin path to walk. My mind takes notes and checks, double checks, failure is potential death. Can something invisible die ? As the isolated trucks soared and whistled past, 12am became 3 am, the stars kept company, the lights in the distancing creating the mirage that kept promising a return to exisitence, a promise that the mind wanted to believe but the horizon was deceptive, the lights could be shining from a hundred miles away, a distant and always just around the next bend light, one that never arrives. The foot moves, the other foot moves this is all that is now, no longer holding onto any safety line I reduce all to the simplest equation. No more thoughts, just me, the stars, the moon, the wind, one step, two step, I am here even though I am invisible, I am the girl who doesnt have to be someone else or believe what anyone says because they say to, I am invisible. I taste this freedom, I drink the salty bitter truth of this, washing with the familiar sadness of a quiet lonely love that whispers from my skin. The trucks fearsome attacks, my mind twisting my lonely heart into a desire to be loved, to hear someone say its alright, I will help you to be safe. I reassure me that I am well, just keep moving, dont let the mind trick your feet to stop, the thin path must not be broken, all else is just theatre. Knowing is moving, one foot second foot this is all. The moon comes and dances over the low distant mountains, she tells me stories of lovers, dreams me into an eagle that flys through this night, she tells me I can be the wheat or flower. She shows I am the earth and the sun and I am nothing. Invisible water, I just flow, into the crevices of the grass and dusty fields, into the odd night sounds, I roll into the wind. Sometimes these many many years later, I slip off that shoulder into the dusty ground again and other times the metal beast brings me fast into its embrace, still theatre...I keep walking...one foot, second foot...Sometimes a wolf asks me to believe without tasting or touching, wants me to believe once again in the lights off in the distance. If I would just bend my back into some strange configuration to appear more or less than I am, sometimes I even try but my feet will not allow frivolity to stop them from moving, my desire to be loved constantly filling me with a pause of reconsideration but the choice is not mine, my feet accustomed to the time passing do not care what the world wants me to do, my feet do not care about my hearts desires beyond the thin steps of my invisible existence, I am either love or nothing. I am either walking or dead and the stories I tell myself about where I am going, why I go ,when I should stop, what it will be like when I arrive are not relevant to the knowing who walks the feet, breathing and being for one step and another. The only light being my own, bright as the moon, dancing on the precipice of existence. Self doubt is an insidious companion, who only reflects the desire for the comforts of being loved and seen. A reflection that holds a promise in distant non relevant lights. My strength is walking in the dark with my most fragile heart breathing,
Posted on: Fri, 16 Jan 2015 07:17:52 +0000
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