Smiles for 10-10: Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. -Oscar Wilde Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said, This may hurt a little, Doc...I dont have any money. I hope I dont sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: How can I get in on that? --Dave Barry Hollywood Theres a big Hollywood party and all the stars are there: Demi, Ashton, Brad, Pamela, etc. Mick Jagger is there and decides to hit on Kate Moss. But she turns him down flat. It just goes to show you: A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss. Twins Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case? Passwords My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto, and so I asked why it was so long. Because, my son explained, they say it has to have at least four characters. Frog Noise, please A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, Grandpa, please make a frog noise. The Grandpa says, No. The little boy goes on, Please...please make a frog noise. The Grandpa says, No, now go play. The little boy then says to his sister, Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise. So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, Please make a frog noise. The Grandpa says, I just told your brother no and Im telling you no. The little girl says, Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise. The Grandpa says, Why do you want me to make a frog noise? The little girl replied, Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World! CAT Scan As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking with the man whose wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest. While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband if his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several procedures involving various body parts, but he couldnt remember one particular test. Thinking out loud, he said, What is that thing women have that men dont? His wife was quick to answer, A brain, dear. Nice One... One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily. The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. Thats when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. Honey, she asked, have you seen my other shoe? Managerium The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons. The Bully This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The bully says: Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant see a man crying. No, its not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison... More P.A. Announcements: Ten Things You *Dont* Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System........ 1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices. 2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. 3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that its all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza. 4. Goose! Bogey at 2 oclock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!! 5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence) 6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff).... uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh.... forgot something..... 7. Im sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean well be flying much more efficiently now. 8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car). 9. This is your Captain speaking.... these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships Im used to.. so youll have to give me some leeway... 10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie. [ arcamax ] =================================
Posted on: Fri, 10 Oct 2014 04:56:13 +0000
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