So, Im having a really BAD bipolar day. And a lot of people care and really want to understand, but have no idea what that looks like. So, Im gonna be open and put it out there for you. Today Im having a mixed episode (aka mixed mania), which is one in which manic and depressive symptoms occur simultaneously. Most people with bipolar disorder experience only one pole at a time. (Thank God!) Keep in mind, these sick days look as different for each individual as they do for one individual on different days. And that each of us, diseased brain or no, do the best we can each day with what weve got to work with at the time. I woke up feeling a bit down. (Look outside. A lot of people probably did.) The first little insignificant frustration, no idea what it was because it was that insignificant, sent my usually calm zen person into a screaming cursing fit. (whoa mania!) Then a pitiful crying, wailing period for about 5 minutes (depression). Then a few loud obscenities as I pounded my fist on the wall (mania again), stopping when my rational mind interjected that breaking my pinky would make an already difficult day truly awful. (Im thankful MY voice made it through all this diseased brain crap.) With every sick day, I also experience a mental fog that makes thinking difficult (kinda like if you were inebriated, without any fun or any way to sober up, just a lot of frustration). The rest of my day has gone pretty much the same - no real external problems to speak of but a SIGNIFICANT impairment in my ability to behave as a normal, reasonable human being. How in the world do you handle that?! you ask. I hole up in my own place and do NOT get out. Thats why few people ever see me like this. Those of us who deal with this will sometimes refer to these as our Crazy days, and we dont want to tell you about them because being labelled with bipolar disorder is hard enough without the inevitable, and I know often unintentional judgments. These days I fondly refer to as days where I just cant keep my shit together. And if I cant keep my shit together, I will be counterproductive... Could start a fight, could lose a job. Best to stay home. Sometimes sleep helps hit the reset button, just like for you. But Im trying to reset my brain chemistry, which is a BIT more outta whack now than it is if Im just in a funk. And yes resetting brain chemistry is just about as challenging as it sounds. So, my best chance at not screwing up my life on days like today is to cancel all non-vital appts, expect NOTHING of myself, and pass the time trying to stay as calm as possible. Let me also say that I take medicine and supplements every day. For twenty years now. And Ive cycled through more different meds than I care to remember. They stop working after a while, so they change periodically. For everyone. And even while the current med regime is working (mine is), we still have to suffer through days like this. So, when you hear me say Im home because I just cant keep my shit together, now you know my day has probably looked a bit like today. And thanks for caring enough about mental illness to read this. I hope someone will benefit from it. Namaste
Posted on: Fri, 22 Nov 2013 20:39:25 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015