So... Robin Williams. Theres plenty being said, plenty being discussed and plenty being pointed out. Rather than speculate or profess the value of this treatment or that spiritual practice, Id like to say something about what it means to be suicidal, from someone who was extremely suicidal in my younger years, something Ive spoken openly about in the past. In my experience, the call of suicide is the desperate voice of relief, promised from somewhere beyond the brink of dullness, suffering, responsibility and social code- OVERWHELM. It feels, in the darkest, most painful moments, like a failsafe, and an answer, an effective action-item when no other action-item seems to beckon. It appears in the mind as the ultimate remedy: freedom from suffering that no one else can dictate, control, prescribe or destroy. It offers relief. Having made it through several suicide attempts and a long road to recovery, I can say with some conviction, that suicide is the souls attempt to heal- beyond the body, beyond temporary human relationships, beyond this planet. The lynchpin, however, is the assumption that it cannot heal in current human form, and this idea, in my personal experience, is the lie of suicide. Life and its turning wheel has a way of requiring that we surrender, both when on the top (emotionally), and on the bottom. The sense of powerlessness that comes from severe emotional pain also becomes the delusion of ultimate power that arrives during extreme emotional highs. Both and neither are true. They, as close cousins to one another, speak to the core paradoxical experience of being human- the only reality we ever experientially trust is our emotional reality. The only reality that affects our emotional reality is our connection to the real world- whether it be in relationships (or the alienation of relationships that cannot contain our depths, or make room for them at least), resources, ideation or that which we witness... it is what we glean from our connection to the world outside of ourselves that shapes the emotional experience within. The hardest part about depression, emotional pain and suicidal feelings is the feeling of Ultimate loneliness, the feeling of not being allowed to have the feelings you have, not being allowed to take inventory of your contact points to the external world, not being allowed to plunge to such depths within. Nothing is more alienating than reaching out to others with your depths, including your dark and scary ones, and having them refuse to connect there. What Ive learned is this: the antidote to that agonizing whisper suicide... end this suffering... leave this planet is Connection. Its Presence. Its being seen and loved where you are, for who you are, and with all feelings in tow. If you want to be of service to someone with depression, if you want to make a difference in the life of someone you love, if you want to be a part of someone elses thank goodness I didnt die by suicide sharing... then LISTEN. Listen first to yourself, then listen to someone else. The thing that makes us reject the darkness of another is our own un-confronted darkness. Having carried the weight of my soul on my sleeve around for many years now, I get the sense that MANY are avoiding their own inner darkness. This is where connection fails to be made. This is where alienation is bred. Therapy is wonderful, medication can be very helpful, support groups can make a difference, diet is essential... but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is as potent and powerful a response to the suicide call as feeling Heard. I mean really heard. We dont need paid friends in the form of therapists who can only serve us an hour at a time, once, twice or three times a week more than we need real friends who can hold us in tears, listen to our dark feelings and not cringe when we say I want it to end. Were it not for some incredible friends in my life who did just that, for years, many times over, Im not sure Id have made it to this other life Im thoroughly enjoying now- with my children, and my partner, and a fulfilling outlet for soul work that nourishes all of us. Now when the dark days arrive there are still times when that call can seem seductive. Its no secret. But what Ive learned in confronting my own less-than-attractive feelings, is this: those dark days come with a fruitful call to change my external life, to create better connection points, to go into the fears, hurts and wounds that make the mirk of depression seem like life is full of swill sediment. It isnt. But it IS one level. The more I learn about plunging into that level and accessing other levels once I get the information I need, the more I am convinced that what we all need more than anything else is simply permission in our connections- our relationships- to accept, confront and embrace the dark sediment. Resistance to pain and sadness is the thing that grows it cancerously. Embracing these and learning to work with them, we can then offer true Presence. And sometimes even that Presence wont save a life. Sometimes it will only make this moment more bearable. Sometimes the call of suicide is stronger than the Presence. Having lost a very dear friend to suicide, to whom I listened, whom I held and comforted during deep soul-weeping, I am under no illusion that Presence alone can save a life. Sometimes it just cant, but one thing I do know... in those moments, another kind of relief was had. That my friendship and listening offered respite from the sedimentary suffering is enough for me to know that it makes a difference. I cant help but wonder if that friend would have pulled through were the world more willing to sit with and hear his pain. In summation, as fluffy as it sounds, the only thing any of us can do to assist a suicidal friend or loved one (who is not acutely suffering, but more as a long-term regime), is to KNOW OURSELVES MORE, to connect with our own pain and darkness and create pathways from the sediment level to the heavenly (joyous) level. Building roads to these experiences within yourself will ultimately make you a better guide to a friend lost in the abyss of woe. In the meantime, whilst working on that, a more attainable goal in the moment is to learn to LISTEN, even if it raises uncomfortable questions within you. Allow yourself to ask those questions fully of yourself once youre done listening to your loved one. Dont offer answers. Dont give advice. Dont tell someone they are being negative, have parasites, are being attacked by negative entities, are mentally ill or any other psuedo-prescriptive/diagnostic nonsense. Thats what the paid friend is for. Thats what the System is for. They are coming to you because they want and need to be heard. They are coming to you for Connection. Just listen. Hear their pain. Hear their feelings. Be with them in the suffering. THAT is where the hand of relief (if it is going to come from a non-professional- likely such as yourself), reaches out and brings light to the soul. That is the medicine you can give, and with enough of it, people can and do make it through. RIP #RobinWilliams. I did not know your pain, so I wont speculate on it. But I do so very much hope that your journey leads to peace. To those whom are suffering- never stop reaching out for those connections. The Listeners do exist, and sometimes you really have to hunt for them, and sometimes, like me, they are busy parents. Dont stop reaching. The ones with the bandwidth are out there. They are. The search must continue until they are found. Let us be more willing to live our lives embracing the fullness of our experience and learning to shun none of it. Tall order, but what else are we doing on this rock? A worthy goal to strive toward if you ask me... Much love everyone! May your Soul be in tact and may wholeness be yours
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 21:37:55 +0000
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