So, the other day while I was at work, I was struck with a sweet tooth. Now, because Flash Foods doesn’t carry Banana Cream Pies, I was forced to do the unimaginable. I didn’t want to, but I did. You got it! I went to ……. The Walmarts! Anybody that knows me well enough, knows that I hate going to Walmart. First off; I can never go in that place and just get what I need. I get other shit that I don’t use and end up throwing it away. I get that stuff because it’s in plain view and on the way to the stuff I NEED. Anyway, I digress. So, when I pulled up in the parking spot, I could already feel this dark cloud looming over me. My soul felt troubled and I started to just go get a bag of peanuts, but if you’ve ever had a Banana Cream Pie, you know there’s no turning back once that yellow and white cake-ish goodness crosses your mind. So yeah. Now, Of course when I entered the store, I saw EVERYONE that knows me. I was graced with the usual “HERE HE IS OFFICER!” Granted, all I want is my pie. That’s all! Is that too much to ask for? As I made my way to the back of the store, my mouth started to water from just thinking about those little rectangles of awesomeness. Every step I took brought me that much more closer to glory. I could finally see the Debbie Snack isle. I hurried my walk to a brisk jog. Finally! I made it to the promise land. I grabbed what I needed and I was about to be off to the races. BUT! Not before I was halted by an “Excuse me, young man!” --Ya know what sucks about being tall? Having to get stuff for people. Whether they know you or not, you’re always asked to get stuff. I think people have the preconceived notion that being nice is a prerequisite of being tall-- This older gentleman, probably in his early 130s asked me to get a bag of chips just above his head. Something prevented him from reaching his hands above his head and I’m not quite all that sure what prevented him from doing so. I was able to narrow it down to Osteoporosis and extremely tight pants. He felt the need to make small talk with me for some reason. “Whatcha got there? Some yellow bun cakes?” In my mind I’m saying “Hell NO! Can’t you read?” but because I’m not THAT GUY, I kindly responded with “Something like that!” He then went on to tell me about all the pies they used to eat back in 1794 and how cheap they were. I wasn’t mean enough to just turn and walk away so I endured his rambling for a little bit. Some people just want someone to talk to I guess and truth be told, I don’t mind listening for the most part, but when I’m on a mission, by God, I need to complete it. Now, just as I was getting ready to take my leave, he asked if I’d hold his chips while he got something from the bottom shelf. Again, I obliged. He turned and leaned down to get a closer look and that’s when it happened. I heard it. I know he heard it. The lady standing just a few feet away heard it. I pretended like I didn’t. He leaned up and explained that once you turn 224 years old, your bodily functions get the better of you and when it’s time for certain gases to escape, you let the. Otherwise, it leads to kidney failure I’m sure. What happened next will forever change the way I handle favors for strangers. As I handed him his bag of chips, osmosis kicked in. Kicked in in high gear. It was the worst smell imaginable. I was not prepared for this stench. I’m not sure there IS a way to prepare. It was like a combination of Old Milwaukee, canned pickles and the inside of an old pair of wet penny-loafers. “DEAR GOD” I said to myself. I looked up and wiped the water from my eyes and was able to see clearly long enough to watch the lady from earlier cut the corner quick all the while having a coughing fit. Remember the ending scene of Saving Private Ryan with all the explosions and people dying. The noise from the tank’s cannon? That what the inside of my nose felt like. He tried to say something to me. Probably some half ass excuse for shitting all over me, but I had to go. I laid his chips down at his waist level and I got the heck out of dodge. So yeah. I hate Walmart.
Posted on: Wed, 05 Nov 2014 02:38:35 +0000
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