Someone recently asked me why I still do a bit of work when Im sick . That made me think . I said that every day I am aware of my physical limitations . The reason I am in this medical nightmare to begin with is because I refused to listen to my body and I frequently abused it. I spent my whole life thinking I was super human (no , really , I did) and I pushed my body beyond what anyone should have to endure because I so wanted to prove just how fantastic and indispensable and worthy and deserving I was . Of course now this superhero , need-to-prove-self mindset is the reason in the first place why Im literally dying of a progressively degenerative disease that means I cant eat , drink , breathe or move properly , have almost zero progesterone that makes my body crazy and me nutty , looney and wildly emo , have unending heavy periods because of a thick , cancerous lining that refuses to budge , have a 13-cm (5 inches) tumour in front of my heart , and have severe anemia that leaves me consistently weak and fatigued . I would laugh out loud at the irony of it all , if it wasnt so sad . I was subconsciously killing myself because I wanted to prove myself worthy of being alive ... So nowadays , I live by strict personal rules . I only take on 5 clients in a week max at any one time . I do not do back to back sessions in a day . I do not have more than 2 clients in one day . I only work via Skype , except one client and even that I insist on going nearby . Having said that , I do not go out for work more than once a week . I allow only one social event a week , and even that, not more than for a couple of hours . I prefer that to be at home , but I am okay to go out only if Im feeling strong enough to do so . And never at night . Otherwise , I do not go out at all . At all . When I go out for work , I must rest for approximately 2-3 days after . If I go out for a social event , I must stay in and rest for up to 5-6 days cos Id be really whacked and I will mostly just knock out anyway . I also definitely must go hospital and treatments religiously . And I take my meds regularly and without fail . I make no exceptions . Except this week . I broke my own rules this week . I went out at night twice ... one after another . And both times I was out for hours and hours , only to return home at almost midnight . By the next day , I was feverish and was barely able to move . And by Friday morning at 7am , I found myself again at UMMC with a temperature of 104.7°F , delirious and mostly incoherent . Not fun . I broke my own rules that first night because in my mind it was for healing . But the second night wasnt even planned . I was being spontaneous and I ended up receiving a good dose of healing as well as an urgent , important message from JP Valdes and Nadine Valdes . They had some sage advice for me from a healer they met in a recent retreat . This message was specifically meant for me because they deliberately presented my illness to him with the intention of getting his advice . If I didnt go that night , I wouldnt have met them so quickly after their retreat for them to give me this message in the manner in which it was given . I am therefore grateful to have been there that night to have met them ... So why do I still continue working a little even though Im sick ? Well , its like why I now have rules and boundaries around my health . Because I used to have no rules around my health and thats killing me . Literally . These rules and boundaries are my way of respecting myself , of loving myself and irrespective of what others think or feel about me , they are my way of reminding myself that I am worthy and deserving of good health , happiness , success and love . That I am worthy and deserving of my dreams . That I am worthy and deserving of life . I alone am responsible for my health . Me . I am responsible for whether I live or die , and I am responsible for whether I am strong and able to function , or weak and on my knees unable to pick myself up . Being responsible is a choice , and I realise that my subconscious is very powerful . It is constantly sabotaging my own efforts whenever it sees fit to do so . So being responsible for my own health means being okay with my choices , that all is good in my life , and to always treat myself with compassion , love and forgiveness . Same goes with whether I choose to break my own rules ... Because , by golly , I am worth the respect and I deserve to be alive ! **peacelovehope**
Posted on: Sat, 01 Nov 2014 10:52:38 +0000
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