THE CESSNOCK 2008 OLYMPIC BID Cessnock is to make a bid for the 2008 Olympic Games. In order to increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will win at least some medals, the competition has been modified somewhat. However, fierce competition is expected from rival areas such as Abermain, Kurri, Weston and Wollombi etc. OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the town wearing the traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and no shoes with his defacto wearing the traditional bike pants and short top with oversized gut hanging over the top. THE EVENTS: 100 METRE SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a VCR and a microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starter’s gun, a Police Dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes. 100 METRE HURDLES As above but with added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls, train, etc. HAMMER THROW Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target will be a moving Police Vehicle. In the second round, competitors will aim at a Post Office Clerk, Bank Teller, Console Operator or Video Store attendant. BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 schooners of VB at the Cessnock Hotel followed by a quick check of a Men’s Gallery lap dancing joint, while the wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. She will be wearing bike pants, boob tube and thongs and makes a valid attempt to get him to remove the transmission out of the bath. CYCLING TIME TRIALS The competitor will attend the City Skateboard Area where they will obtain a bicycle stolen from a Mummy’s Boy (Preferably from St Pats of Lochinvar) and they will then be pitted against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded for a helmet which would have to be procured at the time of getting the bike. MODERN PENTATHALON Amended to include robbery with violence, burglary, unlawful use of a motor vehicle, arson, willful exposure. MEN’S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this is now cancelled as organisers cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Cessnock. GYMNASTICS The beam will be replaced with the strip of gutter outside the Wentworth Hotel. The event will commence at closing time – we expect some rather difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell at the Cessnock watch house. CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include the local Torres Strait Islander Dancing Group, accompanied by a local AC/DC cover band. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by local representatives urinating from the base of a spire in a cascading effect. The stadium will be boarded up before local athletes break in to it and remove all the copper piping and air conditioners. See people, it’s all happening in the ‘nock!
Posted on: Tue, 06 Aug 2013 12:07:53 +0000
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