Tell me that the darkness won’t hurt me and that’s it’s only the inner workings of my mind, and promise myself a last time that danger would never approach...... I try to let sleep take me, but the distractions of this horrible night don’t let my mind at ease. I lay still, afraid that if I may turn around, something will be waiting for me. The things I’m hearing. It stops for a minute, but I always hear it again, the rattling and the whispering. Why are my curtains moving if there is no wind? Money spent on therapeutic sessions and relaxation tapes and techniques cannot save me from the enveloping darkness waiting to consume me. I hear trickling of pots and pans. I’m not safe. The corners of my eye are always occupied by shadows. I must overcome the fear of movement. I have to turn on the light that they shut off every night. I get up, not breathing as I move, because if I breathe I’ll be detected by the things in the dark. I turn on the light; it strains my eyes but keeps me sustainable. How can I sleep? Something is going to hurt me, in this home, in that dark spot in the corner, behind my closet door that still leaves mental scars. I go through it in my mind again. Did I remember to close every door in the house? The room across from me must be closed, or something repulsive will sneak. It will come from the room, crawling, making those strange noises I hear. Yet I can’t close my door. My door must be open. If I close my door, it will lock on me. I won’t be able to escape what traps me inside my room when the door is closed, and what it will do when it is all alone with me. This is my final night, I tell myself, I may not survive tomorrow. Every cell in my body, pulsating with the hot sticky fear and sweat from under the covers that won’t shelter me from harm, but I wish they could. I start to get the feeling again. I can’t breathe. Am I dying? The only things I can do are lay, sweat, and forget to breath. I need to scream. I tell myself it’s okay, that I’m foolish, and even when the lights go out. I think they know I know about them, and that’s why they’re watching and whispering their plans behind walls and dark crevices. I feel myself falling into unconscious. Sleep decides to spare me after the many midnight hours awake and afraid. My heart, for the first time tonight, slows. I know tomorrow they will be exhausted. But at least I feel safe in the day. I want to know when this horrible notion will end, and how will it end? Will I finally be taken or killed? I don’t want to think like this but the sounds and voices at night lead me to these conclusions. Please, I beg myself, to let it go away.
Posted on: Sat, 31 Aug 2013 05:05:57 +0000
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