The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried. Today John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look. When they landed, McCain said, “This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!” And then someone said, “We have a layover — this is LaGuardia Airport.” Things are moving quickly over there. Crimea is now holding a vote on whether to join Russia, but the ballot doesn’t have an option for voting against the plan — it lets people vote for joining Russia now, or down the road. When asked where he got the idea, Vladimir Putin said, “iTunes user agreement.” A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if theyd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone. Best Buy will start selling solar panels in an effort to promote energy conservation. Best Buy says you can find the panels right next to the 300 flat-screen TVs they leave on all day. Late Show with David Letterman Pope Francis is the hip Pope. He is celebrating his first anniversary of being Pope. He refers to Lent as March Madness. That is how wacky he gets. Yesterday Washington had a big power outage. And I thought: Well, wait a minute, I think the Obama administration has been without power the entire second term. It was so dark in Washington that when the power went out the only thing that was glowing what John Boehners face. As soon as the lights in Washington went out, Senator John McCain tried to clap them back on. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson What a fantastic ovation from the studio audience. You guys have clearly never been here before. A new study says Americans spent a record $56 billion on their pets last year. That may sound like a lot but think about what you get in return. You get the unconditional love of dogs, the exotic beauty of a tropical fish, and whatever a cat gives you — disdain, I guess. Every year reality TV gets more extreme. Back in the old days, married couples on shows slept in separate beds. But The Brady Bunch were hooking up with each other in real life. They should have called it All in the Family.” Jimmy Kimmel Live This is our fourth of five nights broadcasting from Austin, Texas, during the South by Southwest festival. I had to get a bigger shirt because my shirts dont fit anymore. In Texas, pork is considered a condiment. Well get a visit from Lady Gaga. She didnt bring the meat dress or the giant egg. She didnt want to be turned into a giant breakfast taco. I havent seen this many hipsters in one place since I took a home pickling class at an artesian cheese shop. People have been selling fake parking spaces. They charge people to park in spots that they have no ownership of. Heres a tip to avoid becoming a victim of this fraud. If you find a parking space during the festival, its a scam. Late Night With Seth Meyers This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers “Please pray for me.” I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, “so hung over.” A man is claiming that he was badly injured after falling off a gigantic tongue slide used on the stage for Miley Cyrus’ tour. He’s now suing the company that built the slide for twerkman’s comp. Researchers have discovered the first Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil inside the Arctic Circle. The T. Rex apparently froze to death because he couldn’t button his jacket with those little arms.
Posted on: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 19:35:30 +0000
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