There a lot of things I have done in my short time here that will always hurt. I look at myself and I see dumb decision after dumb decision and a moron who is never going to know what he has ever. I let up about some of the earlier mistakes and chalk a lot of to the sweet mistakes of youth and harsh and beautiful lessons and try to do my best to not repeat the mistakes of the past but what I dont forgive is going to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and not wearing my turtle mask. I struggled with it. Wore it all the way to the theater but had some serious issues with having the confidence to go any farther. I was nervous, I was scared, I didnt want to be looked at. I closed my eyes and thought These are the guys who inspired so many pizza filled nights, childhood dreams; They gave me a lot and if I cant do it because I want to, do it as a sign of respect. I couldnt do it. I walked into the theater and I was crushed. I felt like I was leaving my soul in the truck right along with the mask. We got our tickets, got a seat, all the while Im just thinking This is not right, this is not me, I dont like this. If you are reading this and in anyway believe this to be sarcastic in nature you are listening to a guy who wore a homemade Spider-man costume under his cap and gown for his high school graduation. One partly because Spider-man is amazing but Secondly because he believed that realistically and I use that word loosely that Peter would be late to his graduation and not have had any time to change out of said costume and cover it with his cap and gown anyway. ANYWAY I was having a crisis of identity. No thats not it. I know who I am, knew what I wanted to do, I just couldnt do it. I guarantee you Id be sitting here typing this from a much more broken frame of mind if I hadnt got the second wind to rush back to the truck, put my mask right where it belongs, and head back into the theater. I think I just became more afraid of what it would mean for me/ to me if I didnt then I was afraid of being looked at for half a second as I walked by people to my seat. Honestly almost didnt even bring my mask in the first place. I was considering just leaving it at home because I started to doubt what I was even doing. No one else is wearing a mask, no one else came up with the notion of wearing masks, everyone else is thinking of this normally as just happy to be going to the show and doing something that could be very entertaining and well see it and itll be done. I dont know why I wanted to draw the Avatar Air Tribe tattoos on me when I went to go see The Last Airbender Obviously wore a superman shirt with a cape attached to see Man Of Steel. Lately its been dying tho. Ive been waiting for myself to come along in the form of someone else with the same spark I use to have so I could get a little bit of that fire and start mine up again but that will never happen! Just once I think Id like it to be someone elses idea but not even their idea or suggestion but their definitive plan regardless of anyone joining or not. So the truth is that I have to do it all the more. Otherwise I wont have anyone as interesting as me in my life and I need me. So re-reading that last sentence and it comes of very arrogant like I think myself so fascinating or MORE fascinating then other people; thats only half true. I, like everyone else, have a specific taste when it comes to interesting so to myself and myself alone I find myself interesting Im gonna stop now. Think Ive affectively and effectively explained that Im a nut job enough for one night.
Posted on: Sat, 09 Aug 2014 04:09:01 +0000