This is my encouragement for the day ... 9 months ago: - I lost weight. Dropped from 115 to below 103. I think I got down to about 99. - I have never had an eating disorder but I could not keep food down. - I could not fall asleep, stay asleep and woke at 4am every morning sweating with my heart racing. - I had flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and woke the house screaming or crying out every night. - I isolated and hid in my home. - I could not make eye contact with anyone. - I could not be touched. - I hid under my desk every time the door bell rang. - I lost my ability to remember to do basic things. - My anxiety spiraled through the roof and I had to go on medication. - I had to go into therapy. - I burst into tears in public places, avoided places, had to pull off the road if I saw a white truck. - I panicked every time my phone or email went off. - I checked my windows regularly when I heard the sound of a truck. - I shook all day from head to toe. - I was diagnosed with complex ptsd. - I could not let people, other than my kids, touch me. - I contemplated driving my car into a wall. - I was lost, broken, scared and literally falling apart. This is what Narcissistic Abuse can do to a person and this is normal. I am over 3 months of no contact. Restraining order in place. Cops called on him twice before he was scared enough to quit harassing me. Life now: - I am back up to 110 pounds. - I have my full appetite back again. - I still have issues sleeping but it is so much better. - I dont wake my house up screaming anymore (even though I did kick a coffee table in my sleep awhile ago) but nothing like before. - I do NOT isolate and I am quite able to be around people I know and love with no issues. Strangers are still a little hard but Im getting there. - I can make eye contact. - I give regular hugs. - I no longer hide if someone comes to my door. - My ability to remember what I need to do is back. - My anxiety, while still an uncomfortable issue has lessened greatly. - I dont panic over white trucks as often. - I am excited when my phone goes off, because I know for 90% of the time it is from someone who loves me. - I still shake. That drives me crazy but it is getting better. - I am hopeful for life again. I went from a person dying under abuse and isolation to a person who is finding herself again and is allowing safe people into her life. I feel like me again 90% of the time. And those around me see it. I laugh ... A lot. I play. I dance. I sing. I play my piano. I write. I share. I hug. I touch. I make eye contact. I feel alive. This is why no contact, or minimal contact for those with children is so vital. With them in your life you will flounder ... you will be damaged and broken. But once you get out, once you get away ... get help, get support, share your pain with others who understand, and do the work of recovery, life gets so much better. I know how frustrating it is that it doesnt happen overnight, but it is possible. Healing is possible. As is educating yourself enough so you never find yourself there again. Today I am saying I was a victim, but not anymore. Today, I am a survivor and proud of the work and healing Ive done. We can do this. We have all the tools here. All the education and support we need. And amazing Admins to reach out to when needed. Months ago vs the woman I see before me now ... Two totally different women. I think I may go celebrate.
Posted on: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 06:54:06 +0000
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