This morning I have taken inspiration from a friend. In light of the tragic news of Robin Williams shes shared her story & Im going to share mine!!! I have experienced depression 3 times in my life. Not low mood or just feeling sad....I mean wanting to stop existing, not wanting to talk to people, not washing, wanting to sleep all day and not being able to explain why. The first time I was 22, recently married, just home from a fantastic holiday in Florida, just been promoted & studying for dance teacher exams and suddenly I couldnt smile, couldnt laugh, didnt want to talk to my new husband, hed go to work and come home to find me in the exact same position in bed hed left me. Hed ask if Id eaten that day & the truth was I couldnt remember. Eventually after much cajoling from my ex husband & my mum I went to the doctor. This was my first experience of anti depressants!!! They worked and within 6 weeks I was back at work and within 10 weeks I felt normal again. When I told an aunt I was taking anti depressants she laughed in my face & said I had nothing to be depressed about. I never spoke to a family member again about how I felt!! The 2nd time was post natal depression. I was already a mummy to 2 amazing kids when I had my beautiful boy Aidan. It was a difficult delivery and one that saw me fighting for my life in intensive care. Pulling through to be a mummy to my kids was the biggest battle Ive ever faced in my life but one that left me with mental scars. What shouldve been the happiest time of my life was a daily battle. I would go through the motions of getting the kids up, washing them and getting them to school, nursery etc but the rest of the time was a blur. I cant even remember smiling for months. My business was struggling, I couldnt be happy and I felt like my world was falling apart. I was given a post natal test and cheated on the answers because how could I be depressed again when I was so lucky? We had 3 wonderful kids & a nice life what did I have to be depressed about? I secretly went back to the doctors and collected a prescription for my second lot of anti depressants. The 3rd time was the worst. A lot of this time is a blur and I can honestly say hand on heart if it hadnt been for Alison Robinson I probably wouldnt be typing this. I was going through my break up with my ex husband. It was over a year since wed separated and Id not long told him about my relationship with Andy. My family were harassing me in on a daily basis. My aunt was trying to destroy my relationship with my gran, my mother & brother were sending me awful texts & my ex was making things difficult through a lawyer. I felt they were trying to break me in order to take my kids away. I was unable to sleep at night, my hair was falling out, my periods stopped, I developed episodes of shaking, I wouldnt answer the phone, I spent all day in bed. One morning I wrote 3 letters saying goodbye, 1 for my kids, 1 for my ex & 1 for Andy. This was the only time I ever really wanted to die. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of Lucy coming home & finding me. I was still compus mentus enough to not want to burden my child with that for life. For some reason when Alison called that day I answered. I cant remember much of the conversation as it is a blur. What I do know is that Alison was so worried about my mental state she called my ex and all I remember is him at the door of the bathroom and me lying naked in the fetal position sobbing. Even then I received comments like whats wrong with you, youve no right to feel like this, its you that doesnt want this marriage anymore Apparently Id no right to feel depressed or suicidal. If only my brain would understand!!! Ive had various other low mood episode and a mini breakdown. Mental health issues affect lots of people and its an illness with no apparent visible signs....but theyre there if you know what to look for or a willing to open your eyes. I know a few of my friends reading this have had their own battles & some of the most confident, funny people in my life struggle to explain why they sometimes feel depressed. If one of the funniest men in the world can release his internal torture through suicide then we all need to understand depression & our own torment a little better. Now I havent posted this for likes or comments I was inspired by another friend who has shared her journey. If we talk we can heal & if we listen we can understand. A light had went out in the world & hopefully sharing can prevent another. ❤️
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 07:29:10 +0000
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