Time has a way of deadening our senses to the awesomeness of life. All my life I spent a great deal if not all my energies to reach for the better. I would never be willing to just celebrate in the moment as the moment it was. In some instances this was a good thing while in most all it did was hurt the ones closest to me. My son, no matter how well he did, would hear of what could have been if only.... My daughter Carrie Phillips would hear about all of her potential yet what she really heard was what she accomplished was not spectacular.. Jordan Phillips she got off a bit better but not much, not because I had learned anything but just because I was older and frankly just seemed to run out of gas. While Darlene Preachers Property Phillips endured years of hurtful rants and angry outbursts that did little more than reinforce the lies that had been told to her about herself her entire childhood. And then.... The car hit...I remember telling anyone who would listen about my family. I yelled their names at the scene and in the ambulance. If I was conscious then I was saying their names. I was asked questions about pain or injury and all I answered with was Darlene is my wife, Calvin is my son, Carrie and Jordan are my daughters, Alysha Phillips is my daughter-in-law, Calvin is my grandson, Gordon and Jason my brothers, Lindsey and Heather are my sisters, on and on I went often starting over...tell them I love them...I yelled. It was as if as long as I said their names then they would know I loved them because I truly thought I never would see them again...I wanted the last breath that crossed my lips to carry the names of my family. When I woke up in the hospital I did not care about my leg, my neck, my head...nothing...I cared about my family. My God I was just so grateful to be alive in that moment! I cared nothing about what was to come or even what had transpired. Doctors and nurses would be speaking and all I knew was at that moment, that single moment, I was alive. I thanked God with and for every breath. My family, my club and my friends were constantly with me, every moment, my God I loved every moment. I am telling this now not because of some great change in me. That the man who hurt so many before had died on that road and a new one, filled with appreciation arose. I am telling you all of this because as the healing has come, as the body has continued to mend, I fear the return of that darkness. No longer content with the moment, no longer satisfied with the greatness of this gift. I fear that the anger born from what I am not sure, insecurity, self loathing, weakness...is again denying me and those who I love so dearly the moment. It is not ok, it is not acceptable! My God do you realize the awesomeness of this moment! Never before has this moment occurred, never again will it exist. Yes, there were some and will be others somewhat like it but never again will there ever be this moment again. God has given us the gift of this moment and we have the free will to make of it whatever we desire. I can make it be a time where “the better” can spoil it, causing it to wither and die, forcing whatever beauty exists in it to perish for beauty is only beauty when it is beheld. I can grasp it for what it is, a breath, a whisper, a taste of God. I know that I still must parent, guide and lead my family for that is the lot of a father, of a husband but I be damned if I will ever again lose sight of the moment. To my family, I know that you saw the shift in me, the return to that which I had been before. A slight comment from my brother Gordon to my brother Jason served to shake me enough to make me start see what all around me had seen returning. To some they may have well seen it as healing, of returning to “his good old self” but to those who loved me and who had seen the joy in my eyes when I could tell them face to face that I loved them, relishing in that moment, they knew that a part of me was again dying, retreating into a darkness out of which it might never return. I saw it in their eyes and in the way they drew back from me. They saw the cracks in the smile and calm that allowed the ugliness, the monster, to again drive life. I felt it, I knew that the words I spoke were not ones of kindness or of support, the man who loved that moment was not so dead as to have lost all senses but he was dying, unable or unwilling to stop them. He soon would not be able to tell the difference, thinking that the poison I spewed was “helpful” it “helped to motivate Only wanting the very best. I know very little for certain but what I do know is known without any doubt. One, I know that I love my wife and that she loves me. That without her I do not exist for reality fails in her absence. Two, I know I love my family more than I could ever tell them, that they mean more to me than I could ever relate. That unit through which blood unites and brotherhood binds Third, I know that God is good all the time, that I was promised that I would be “ok” by that very God. I know that the monster that devoured love was not of God for it consumed moments, more moments than I can count in this lifetime. It was not always there and in that I find hope. I want that monster dead but I cannot kill it, I have tried and failed. With each attempt I grew weaker and it stronger until the good that was in me was all but dead. I spent years trying to feel but finding at best numbness and at worst more anger. So just as I called out the names of family and friends so that I might hold fast to life I again call out those names…please each of you do not allow me to lose another single moment! I openly invite you to speak into my life. I beg of you to garner the courage and love to stare into the soul of that monster and kill it. If you see it beginning to once again emerge stake it to the ground. I am sure it will pull free and try to again take charge. It will say things like “why not do it this way” or one of its favorites “second place is the first looser” oh oh yea this one is a good on “you know if you would just….” If you are in my life it means that you are strong and that God has placed you here in this moment. Maybe you have the same battle raging in you? If you do, I promise you that if you are willing to share this moment with me then I will share it with you. If we can learn to love and appreciate this moment and all of the amazement God has poured into it then the monster can never again emerge in either of us. I say all of this not in arrogance but in the seeking of humility. The man who types this today, sitting with one leg, feeling half a man, is twice the husband, father, brother, friend that stood tall on two legs before thinking himself whole and better than. Not for what I know but for what I see I was…you know what…this moment is good…Thank you God for this moment, I pray for another.
Posted on: Tue, 09 Sep 2014 21:57:10 +0000
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