To The Man who broke my heart: Eat your heart out; I have warned you from the start…. I am as sweet as they come but as cruel as the devil himself. If only you’d listen, if only you understood. I write this, safe in the knowledge that the likelihood of this ever being read by the person in question is quite infinitesimal. This relationship has been going on and off and on and off for nigh on three years. We have been through a storm of trying times together and apart, but we seemed to always find our way back to each other. We couldn’t help ourselves. We couldn’t walk away. I’ve come to realized that, maybe, I have let go of other great potential partners waiting on you, trying to figure out where we stood. It’s not hard to love me. I am loveable, but it is not your fault. It is mine. There have always been factors against us: age, history, mental illness, his family, infidelity, but we battled through because we didn’t care about anything except how we felt about each other. We were too strong together. We loved each other. And yet, it is I who carries the burden of the mess I made. I’m sorry, dear lover, my soul is broken beyond repair and I need light to fix it. Factors in my life have emptied my soul and left a void in me that only true love can repair. It is not fair to you, that I lost the love, I loved the most. It’s me. This I know well. It’s true. As For me, the off switch has been flicked, and I suspect it will stay off. I cannot turn it back on again. Not again. Don’t worry love you are not the only one I have shunned off my life. So I write, because that is what I do. I write to express, to let go, to say all those things my heart can’t articulate in spoken word. Maybe it is voyeuristic for you to witness, dear reader, but I have never been one to shy away from open expression. So here it is. For today marks a new chapter in my life. Today is the last day; tears will fall from my eyes. I want to eradicate you from my life. I want to rip your memory from my mind; trade in the parts you claimed to love with such ardor. I want to erase every whispered sentiment, every passion filled exclamation, every declaration of love. Oh my love, my burden, my heartache, I swear this is the last time, I will think about you at night, Because, for every such utterance was a complete utter lie. Oh, my ignorant bastard, how you lied! You did, you did! Oh, how you believed. I thought I could be free and safe. I thought I was secure in tearing down the walls of self protection to let you see the flawed yet beautiful creature within. How wrong I was. Lulled into that false sense of security by a selfish, scared little boy who talked big but walked small, yet you failed to see the deception. I failed to see how weak you truly are, and how you could not have survived half of what I have lived through. I never claimed to be a heroine of epic proportions. All I wanted you to see was my humanity. I wanted to be understood. Yet, you failed me. You have failed to give me what I want. I want to be loved. I want to feel the love I never got from my family and I want to feel understood, like my family never understood me. You are no match for me. You don’t come close. How can you? Everything has always been given to you. You have never suffered. You do not know pain. All you know is how to be spoiled. I need a man worthy of my soul, of my love, for it is pure and you don’t have the qualities I seek in man. A man is someone who knows how to treat a woman right, someone who still opens doors, someone that despite all the flaws still finds a woman’s soul beautiful. A man is a man when a girl is mentally ill and he stands by her, not for pity, but for love. A man becomes, a man when he wants to become better than himself to give his lady the best he ever can. To provide for her and their family…A man becomes a man, when he stops living for himself because a new chapter has begun. A man becomes a man when he let’s go of his mother and starts a new family of his own. A man becomes a man when he spends all his days showing his woman, how much he loves her and you my dear heartache are eons away from being called a man. You are not worthy of the tears I’ve shed, you are not worthy of me. You and all those who fail to see the greatness within my soul and the pure love I carry, are not worthy to be part of my life. You are simply not worthy of me. I will not be one of those ladies who cry out for attention when their hearts are broken, I will not be one of those dramatic women who victimize themselves when a man does them wrong. I will not be weak. I will never bend my knee to you or your will, For, I am a survivor, and I have never known; how to be weak before a little selfish boy. You are not yet a man and I fear you will never be. I do not wish you failure. I wish you greatness. I wish you the best and as you become bitter and ache for me, for what you have done. You will feel so alone, for I was the light in your life. This you know well. I won’t suffer endless night worrying about your stupid ass. So I put the pencil down and close this chapter in my life, and never will I open it gain. I wish for you to grow. I wish for you to understand yourself better to better understand others. Only then will you be a man worth loving. Only then will you be a man. So I walk away, taking my enlighten heart with me. I remove my light from your world for the simple reason that you never thought I would. And if you think your absence from my life will cause me to fall, to harm myself, or even to utter a cry of anguished sorrow, hear this: I have survived without you before. I will again. Effortlessly and infinitely and never more will I utter your name, for you will become like the dead to me and yet at the end you will suffer without me and my light and love. Live a long pleasant life and maybe one day you will get it right, for with my light has been flickered off and never more will I remember you. You are just another forgotten whisper in my life.
Posted on: Fri, 02 Aug 2013 20:09:01 +0000
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