Today I woke up to an email calling for Conservatives and Liberals to divorce. With this divorce they propose a number of demands about splitting up our mutual assets. Conservatives and Liberals should split the country, by land mass, right down the middle. No method for doing so is outlined in the Conservatives petition. Liberals are to take the liberal judges, the ACLU, the affirmative action crowd, the NAACP, and the National Organization of Women. Liberals are also to take Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid with them. Conservatives want all of the guns, the cops, the NRA, and the military. Liberals are to take Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. Liberals are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them. Conservatives wish to take capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceuticals, Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, and Wall Street. Liberals are to take homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. Conservatives wish to take all hockey moms, greedy CEO’s, and rednecks. Conservatives wish to take all of the Bibles. Liberals are to take all copies of Mein Kampf. Conservatives wish to keep Fox News and insist the Liberals have NBC, CNN, MSNBC, CBS, ABC and the entirety of Hollywood. As a goodwill gesture Conservatives wish to give Liberals National Public Television as well. Conservatives wish to keep Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. Liberals will take Al Franken and Keith Oberman. Conservatives are willing to let the Liberals negotiate peace agreements with Iran and Palestine, but reserve the right to invade and/or “hammer the crap out of” any country that threatens them. Liberals may take the peaceniks and war protestors. Conservatives wish to keep their Judo-Christian values, while the Liberals will take Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain with them. Conservatives wish to retain all Hummers, SUV’s, pickup trucks, motor homes, oversized luxury cars, power boats, Harley Davidsons, and private airplanes. Liberals will receive rights to all 4-cylinder vehicles, all hybrid technology, mopeds, kayaks and canoes. Conservatives wish that Liberals will give their entire populous healthcare. Conservatives will continue providing privatized healthcare. Conservatives wish to keep “God Bless America” and the National Anthem. Conservatives wish that the Liberals take “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kumbaya”, and “We Are the World”. Conservatives wish to continue practicing trickle down economics. Liberals are allowed to give trickle up poverty a their best shot. Conservatives wish to keep the US history, name and flag
Posted on: Thu, 09 Oct 2014 18:43:36 +0000
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