Today after Hebrew school we decided to do a little clothes shopping. Michaels mom buys most of Banjos clothes but even the new ones are snug so I thought we would supplement and also enjoy an indulgence in consumerism (I also got a maternity sweater.) When I took him to the dressing room he picked up this sweater and I realized that somehow he had accidentally picked up an XS/5. He put it on and we were actually just laughing because it looked like a muscle shirt, so he kept posing as we cracked up. But then when he finally did take it off…. I took it in my hands, I held it and I folded it, and it was like - this is Calebs shirt. This shirt should be for Caleb!!! Why isnt he here to wear this shirt? And then of course I was even more sad knowing that while a size 5(!!!) shirt looks Caleb-sized to me, his friends are now 8. 8! 8 is so big. 5 is so small. He made it to 6 years, 8 months, and 5 days, but he never got to be big. He was in many ways a grown man, and a huge presence, but in a little boys body, his mouth still holding on to each and every baby tooth. I miss his face, I miss his smile, I miss his words and his soul - and I miss his body. I wish I could cuddle up with him. It doesnt help that Ive had a headache all day. Its not bad, but its there, all day, so naturally at some point it reminded me of Calebs headache - of his compress on his head as he nursed his mystery headache while he watched the new laundry machine get installed. Why was his head hurting? Oh, its just the G. Oh, its just hes worn out by all the chemo. Oh, lets just make sure its nothing more serious. No. My babys head was hurting because there was cancer in his brain. I dont even get how this world can be possible. I miss my little man.
Posted on: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 03:03:26 +0000