Two Spirits The Native Americans used to refer to the transgendered as being of Two Spirits. We were revered as being more in touch with the Spirit World. I have always liked that fact. Not that Im really much of a spiritual person... Im more a Quantum Mechanics and Particle Physics kinda gal. Thats the great thing about science - if one follows the principles one never really, truly believes anything! Merely that confirmed by observation and peer review that the probability of said observation NOT being that described is so small that one might as well simply take it as read and move on! In my struggles to accept who I am - and always was; I had to really believe the science. It had to be robust. There could be no room for doubt... The thoughts that had haunted me since my earliest memorys - could it be true that I really SHOULD have been a girl. I had people trying to convince me otherwise... Chief cheerleader in the confines of my reverberating skull was my own male voice. I remember once saying that if I could have the offending piece of grey matter responsible for these psychological traumas and aberrations identified and removed; Id pay good money for it! I cut quite a dash with my own brand of mustard; but was always the odd chap out. I constructed such a large facade out of what people took to be ego and hid behind it... It wasnt; though - lovingly crafted with ego - it was hastily thrown up with pure fear. Fear of discovery. Fear of slipping up. Fear of unbidden thoughts. Fear of looking at myself in the mirror. There is no hiding place in the reflection of ones eyes. What happens at the Quantum level, I wonder: when that single, (usually) sperm penetrates the waiting egg? What spectacular little particle explosion happens there? A Little Bang! Its my contention that we are all - in some small way or another, transgender to some degree. We are all probably somewhere on the autistic scale as well! Everybody suffers from some form or other of mental illness; we all bleed. Growing up - everybody saw my boy spirit in my eyes... I tried to see him there too. At one point I actually got quite good at kidding myself I could - and that I could live with him. It is my contention that the root of the societal pressures we endure, is: that our collective truth actually does threaten the very fabric of the societal control mechanism The Powers That Be will shall always seek to oppress us. If all those that interacted with us across the ether were to come out as one tomorrow, well... That WOULD be a different kettle of fish, would it not? The gender dichotomy exists in order to present society - through the medium of advertising; only two homogenised examples of humanity: The Alpha Male and Female. We all know what they look like. If you dont measure up, (and lets face it very few do); then you are made to feel shit about yourself and your life and buy whatever rubbish it is theyre flogging in the hope that youll conform to the stereotype a little better. I had to look long and hard at myself in the mirror. I mourned for myself in killing off that... that... what to call it? Ah, yes - my boy spirit. It was never really me anyway! But, I knew I was shattering the hopes and dreams of others. My parents havent forgiven me. And a big part of me doesnt blame them for it either. Its that core truth that scares people I feel... and jealousy for the freedom we attain as individuals; in our minds... For we no longer lie to ourselves. In a world based on lies - thats a dangerous stance to take. I see my girl spirit reflected back in my eyes now - and even better - I see it reflected back at me in the eyes of others. I am still haunted - though now the ghosts of my spirits are a comfort. Out there in the immensity of existence; theres the girl that I might have been... the man that I could have become... My two spirits. Heres a track that I recorded with the last girl I tried to fall in love with. We were very almost signed to EMI off the back of this. She had fallen for the glint of my boy spirit that flashed in my eyes. We became so close that she could also see its pain. But thats another story. https://soundcloud/infamoust/wall-of-angels
Posted on: Wed, 13 Nov 2013 17:15:07 +0000
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